Rain (Hudson 1)

"You want people looking at that, even police?"

"No," I said thinking about it, about some strangers leering at poor Beni naked. "I guess not."

"Me neither."

He knelt before the tire and lit the little pile. We both watched the flames lick the envelope and finally ignite it. The negatives curled as the small, dark puffs of smoke rose. How I wished the entire event, the beastly things that had been done to Beni, could be burned away and turned into nothing more than smoke. Roy remained kneeling, watching it burn. I gazed around, suddenly feeling fearful, feeling as if someone might be watching us. Every vacant building, every broken window, every cavernous structure looked ominous. The sky itself had darkened with an impending rainstorm. The breeze strengthened and lifted some debris, sending papers, boxes, and garbage bouncing around us. I embraced myself.

"Let's go back, Roy," I urged.

He acted as if he didn't hear me and then he stood up and stomped on the little fire, crushing what remained into the ground. He kicked the tire and turned away. I saw the tears that glazed his eyes. It knocked the breath out of me for a moment. Then he nodded and we started back. A police car with its siren screaming and its bubble lights spinning shot down the street to our right. We watched it pass through the neighborhood.

"They'll catch them, though, won't they, Roy?"

"What if they do? They've gotten away with something like this before," Roy said. "There's only one way to stop someone like that...."

It was quiet when we returned to our apartment. Mama's friends had all left. They had cleaned up nicely, even taking care of the mess Ken and his drinking buddies had left. Mama was lying down.

"You want something to eat, Roy?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said. "I'll wash up."

I looked in on Mama. As usual, she was able to sense me around her, no matter how quiet I was. Her eyes opened and she gazed at me.

"Tomorrow," she said, "I have to bury my baby. There isn't anything worse for a mother, Rain. Nothing the devil himself could create," she said.

I ran to her and wrapped my arms around her. She stroked my hair and gave me comfort, even though it was I who should be comforting her.

Guilt was a disease invading every part of me more than ever on the morning of Beni's funeral. It started in my heart and trickled around my body in my blood, infecting my legs and my arms, my neck and my shoulders. It made my eyes ache so that I had to keep them either closed or fixed in a downward gaze, avoiding anyone else's eyes. When we sat in church, I could feel the heat of condemnation at the back of my neck, and when we rose to leave, I was afraid to glance right or left. There weren't that many people at the funeral, and even fewer at the cemetery. Those who kissed and hugged Mama, hugged Roy and shook Ken's hand either just nodded or glanced at me. I had left my sister in the valley of death. That was what I believed they thought.

The rain that had begun the day before still fell, but sporadically. We were actually able to get through the service at the grave site before it began to pour. The rain chased everyone back to his or her vehicle and we left the cemetery faster than I had anticipated. It was so final.

When we got home, the dreariness invaded our apartment and our hearts. Ken's solution, of course, was to drink more and faster. He eventually drank himself into a stupor and collapsed in bed. Roy withdrew and fell asleep in his room. Mama tinkered in the kitchen, made herself some tea and sat with me for a while before trying to sleep herself.

"We all just have to get back to living," she said finally. "Nothing we do will change things."

It seemed an impossible task to me, but somehow Mama managed to get herself up and back to work the next morning. Her strength gave me strength. Roy and I walked to school, unable to ignore the emptiness around us. How much we would have given to hear Beni arguing with us about something silly. Roy told me he was returning to work right after school.

We had yet to hear a thing about Jerad or Carlton or the others. .For now it seemed Roy was right. Nothing would be done. It would just go away like most of the terrible things that happened around us. Returning to school, however, was far worse than I had imagined it could be for me. Some of the kids I knew told me how sorry they were, but Beni's crowd went after me with a vengeance. It was almost as if they thought Jerad and his gang were innocent bystanders, just doing what came natural to them.

"If you hadn't left her behind," Nicole charged in the hallway between classes, "she would be fine. They were just joking with you."

"You don't know what you're talking about," I said.

"Yes, I do. Your white blood showed itself," she declared. "And you ran. You're no sister, not to us."

Her friends nodded.

"That's stupid. You don't know how stupid you sound," I snapped back at her. I was tired of her, tired of all of them.

" 'Course, we're stupid," Alicia declared sarcastically. "Meanwhile, you're alive and Beni's dead."

"She wouldn't have gotten into trouble if you hadn't played that horrible trick on her at the party. You're the ones who should feel guilty, not me," I cried. "You were some sisters, betraying her like that, making her feel too embarrassed to show her face."

"Just listen to this girl," Nicole said. "What are you trying to say?" she asked, putting her face into mine. "You trying to put the blame on us, girl? Huh?" She poked me in the chest between with her long, bony forefinger. It hurt, but I didn't retreat.

Instead, something inside of me finally exploded. I hated them for what they had done to Beni and I wouldn't let them twist and distort everything to make themselves look good and me bad. Using my books as a club, I slammed them into her side so hard, she fell down and the girls screamed around us. She was stunned for a moment, but she lunged like a panther and seized my hair. I dropped my books and grabbed her at the waist. We both spun, and she hit the lockers hard and then pulled me down. A crowd quickly gathered.

Before she could come at me again, Mr. McCalester and Mr. Scanlon grabbed her. She kicked and swung her arms, but they held her back and forced her to turn away. She cursed and screamed at me as they continued to drag her down the hallway. More teachers came out of their classrooms. The uniformed guards came running up the hallway and the crowd was ordered to disperse. I was led to the principal's office behind Nicole, who let loose a string of curses from her mouth like dirty bubbles meant to float back and splatter on my face.