He nodded.
"It takes time to settle in."
He held his hat in his hand, turning it around and around with his thick fingers. Dressed in his uniform, he looked handsome, I thought. He looked heroic, the hero I always imagined him to be.
"Where are they going to send you?" I asked him. "Germany is what I hear, but I can't be absolutely sure yet. You going to finish at that school?"
"Yes," I said.
"I was thinking ...there's just the two of us now. I mean, I never think of Ken as part of us anymore. It was hard to think of him that way even when we were all living in D.C. When you finish at the school, you could...I mean, we could be together again.
"I'd make you happy, Rain, and I'd watch over you," he quickly continued. "We could get married. There's no reason why we can't. We don't have shared blood. I can't give you a big, fancy home, but we'll make out fine. I know other guys in the army who are married, and some with kids, too."
It was tempting, I thought, to leave the world of lies finally, to curl up in Roy's strong arms and be his wife and live like we had no other life before.
"Mama would probably want it," he said and nodded.
"Would she, Roy?" I asked with a small smile.
"I don't know. Yeah," he said. "She would."
I laughed.
"You don't want to go back to living with those rich white folks who don't even want you, who never really wanted you," he argued. "What kind of life is that going to be for you, Rain?"
"I don't know, Roy. I really don't know."
"But you're going back?" he asked angrily.
I took a deep breath.
Who am I? I wondered again and again.
"For a while," I said. "I have some questions that I have to answer."
"Questions? What questions?"
"Questions about myself," I said. "If I ran off with you, Roy, and never answered them, I would always be troubled. Can you understand that?"
"No," he said. Then he looked down and shook his head the way he always did when he knew he was wrong or had to face some fact reluctantly. "Yeah, maybe," he said.
"Just call me often and write to me," I said.
"You know I don't write much. What are you going to do after school is out?" he asked. "You going to go to England and be in that acting school?"
"I might," I said.
"You're becoming a fancy little lady, huh?"
"No, not fancy. I don't know what I'm becoming, Roy, but if I don't explore a little, I'll always be wondering if I should have. I wouldn't be any good to you like that, Roy."
"I have to get going," he said after a moment. "You know I love you, Roy," I said.
"Yeah, but not the way I love you," he said. "No, not now, but maybe someday."
He looked up with some hope in his eyes.
"Only, don't wait for it to happen, Roy. If someone else comes along, don't drive her off," I warned him. "Yeah, the girls are just flocking to me."