I went into my room and then went to the window and looked out over the lake toward Uncle Roy's house where he was in bed, maybe staring into the darkness, thinking about the strange turns and twists his life had taken.
Secrets hovered in all the shadows between our two houses. When the sun came up, they retreated into our hearts, waiting, hoping to be discovered, to be reborn in the light of day.
What great secret had been passed on to me? What now waited in my heart?
8
Burying the Past
.
I felt like someone who had been holding her
breath under water until I learned it was definite that I was not pregnant. What an added horror that would have been. Mommy looked just as relieved as I was. Daddy had become very quiet about all of it. He was like someone who had been forced to swallow sour milk and didn't want to talk about it or hear any references to it for fear it would make him sick again. He didn't want to hear anything more about the music school and was very happy that my step grandfather had taken care of all that had followed.
Mommy arranged for Ms. Lippincott, my regular piano teacher, to come to the house and work with me twice a week. I practiced the clarinet on my own whenever I had the urge. Daddy wanted me to go to work with him every day. He wanted me to help out at the office, but I wasn't ready for it. It was more comfortable to stay close to home, take walks and occasionally swim in our lake or go rowing.
Late afternoons. I sat with Mommy on the rear patio and we talked and did needlepoint together. One day seemed to flow into the next, all of us talking softly, moving about as if we didn't want to wake up the bitter memories sleeping at our feet.
Grandmother Megan and Grandfather Grant came to visit after my first full week home. I thought I was going to hate every moment of it. So did Mommy, because Grandmother Megan began her visit by acting as though I had died.
"You poor, poor child," she said as soon as she set eyes on me. "you poor little girl."
"She's hardly a little girl anymore. Mother," Mommy said. "And I don't mean because of what happened. She's sixteen and very mature and responsible."
Grandfather Grant went off with Daddy to the office and left us in the living room.
"Yes, yes. I know that. What did the doctor say?" Grandmother Megan asked Mommy.
"She said she was fine. There are no
complications, if that's what you mean."
"She? You have a woman doctor for Summer?"
"Doctor Melrose. She's in with Doctor Stern, and Summer was more comfortable with her."
"oh. Yes." She looked at me again with such pity that I thought she might start to cry any moment.
"I'm all right. Grandmother," I insisted, but her expression of grief just grew deeper.
"I hate to see you lose your innocence so soon in your life. Summer," she continued and followed it with a long, dramatic sigh as she sat back and swung her eyes toward the window.
Mommy glanced at me and smirked.
"You weren't much older when you lost yours. Mother." she said.
Grandmother Megan stiffened quickly and looked at her.
"Even so. Rain, that was with my consent. It's hardly the same loss of innocence."
"There's no point in making her feel any worse than she feels about it. Mother."
"I know that. Don't you think I know that?" She paused and studied me. "You mustn't think about it anymore." she said. "You must pretend hard that it never happened, that it was just some bad dream. That's what I do when I'm faced with something unpleasant and it works if you really try hard, Lately," she continued, more to Mommy now than me. "that's all I do in regards to Alison. Do you know that last week she went out four times with four different men. When I commented about it, she told me she was window-shopping. Now what's that supposed to mean. window-shopping? How do you window-shop for men?"
"Why didn't you ask her?" Mommy inquired.
"And have her tell me? Thank you. no. No thank you. That girl enjoys shocking me. I don't want to hear about any of her exploits."