She leaned back in her chair and was silent for a few moments, clearly deciding whether or not to say what she was about to say.
"You're both so clearly tied to everything that happens to Karen, that has happened to her; that I have no trouble connecting the dots. I know as much as can be known about her youth, her relationship with her mother and with you, Mrs. James. I don't know all that much yet about her relationship with your brother, but I feel it's coming more and more.
"As you aptly put it when you described the painting to me, Alice, your mother is emerging from the attic. The first step is to want to, to look longingly at the outside world. It's terrifying for her."
"Just as it has been for me," I said.
She smiled. "Yes, I can understand." She pressed her fingertips together and leaned forward. "I have no evidence that would absolutely guarantee a change in any legal decision made about Karen, but it is my firm belief that she was indeed a victim of some sexual abuse and that her expanded fantasies, if you will, were part of her defense mechanisms to deal with it all and especially the dramatic, violent action she was forced to take. She was already someone who was comfortable in her own imaginary world. It wasn't all that difficult for her to continue and go even deeper and deeper until she was totally in that attic."
I felt the lightness come into my body, my heart race with excitement.
"Why didn't this all come out in the legal proceedings?" Aunt Zipporah asked. It was a question on the tip of my tongue as well.
Dr. Simons shrugged. "It's hard to second-guess another forensic psychiatrist. Maybe it wasn't possible to reach these conclusions that early on. Maybe it's because of the time that's passed and the intense and extended opportunities I've had to delve into it all that gave me the advantage. As I said, this is my conclusion from my sessions and psychiatric evaluations. I do intend to submit them. I can't tell you what the result might be.
"Karen still has a ways to go, but I'm
encouraged by what you've told me about your visit and what you've seen. Sometimes, it takes someone out of the box to see more clearly. Sometimes, we're all just too close. So thank you for that."
"No, thank you for sharing this with us," Aunt Zipporah told her.
Neither of us could speak for quite a while after we left for home that day. We were both so deeply entrenched in our own thoughts, our own personal recoveries. I could almost feel the dark cloud lift away from us both. I had dreamed and prayed for this day, this conclusion. There was no evil for me to inherit. I had no power or inclination to contaminate anyone. I was the echo of a scream my mother had voiced before I was born. It was time for that echo to die away.
It was time only for laughter and music.
Whatever guilt and burden my aunt had felt disappeared as well. She still felt she had hurt her parents with the secret she had kept from them, but she also felt less evil. She had never told me what really kept her from having her own child, but it wasn't too long after this first visit with my mother that she announced her pregnancy to my grandparents. We had decided to tell them everything, of course. My grandmother was at first frightened by it all, but in time she accepted everything and in fact accompanied us on one of our future visits with my mother. Each visit brought me closer and closer to her. I could feel 'the oncoming awareness, the revelation, and most important, the acceptance. It was imminent. It would be like being reborn.
In the meantime Duncan and I had a successful senior year. We both went out for the school play and won big parts. He was a much better student than I was and helped me with homework often. We were an item on and off but never committed to anything much more. He surprised his mother, as well as me, by deciding to apply to Michigan State and become an English major with the intention of eventually becoming a journalist. He would always write poetry, and he talked about his great novel to come.
Uncle Tyler gave him a part-time job at the cafe to help him earn money for college. He worked as a waiter, but he often used his culinary skills to fill in as a short-order cook, too. The cafe was busier than ever, and with our weekends working, our schoolwork and my frequent visits to see my mother, the year seemed to fly by. It was the happiest year of my life.
My grandparents visited as often as they could. I was reluctant to return, even for Thanksgiving, but I did. My grandfather decided to take us on a holiday during the Christmas recess, so I went with them to Florida, but during the spring break I remained at the cafe, working. It was a very busy time, because tourists were coming around since the weather was so much nicer.
In mid-June Aunt Zipporah gave birth to a girl she and Tyler decided to name Patience because, according to my aunt's doctor, the baby was two weeks late. Of course, everyone kidded them about it, but I thought it was a pretty name and quite clever.
A week before graduation, my father surprised me by calling to say he and Rachel were going to fly east to attend. They would come with my
grandparents. Rooms were booked for them at a nearby motel. When they arrived, I introduced Duncan to them, and they all got along well. My aunt and I talked about my mother with my father, while Rachel went on a shopping spree with my
grandmother, looking for graduation gifts for me.
He had great interest in all that we had to tell him. He explained to us why it had been and still was difficult for Rachel, but he also said she was accepting it more and they would soon be telling the twins the truth about me. He said it was Rachel's idea to start that revelation gradually but early enough for them eventually to completely understand as they grew older. My father said he realized that he would have a difficult burden explaining how and why it all had happened.
"You know, your kids always see you as invulnerable, a hero, perfect," he said.
Afterward, he and I spent some private time together. He knew I had decided to stay close to home my first college year and attend the State University of New York at New Paltz, but he surprised me by suggesting that I consider transferring to the University of Southern California after the first year. He said he and Rachel had discussed it and decided they would welcome me to their home and contribute to my college education. I told him I would keep it in mind. It was exciting to think about. I had already decided I wanted to go into psychology and do something in that field.
A few weeks after gradua
tion, I returned to the Doral House with Aunt Zipporah to celebrate my grandfather's birthday. Despite all that had happened and was happening, I was still nervous about spending time there. After dinner and our singing "Happy Birthday" to him over his cake, I went up to the attic. It was strange, but when I looked at it now, it seemed so much smaller to me--even claustrophobic. I didn't want to stay there long and went back downstairs quickly.
My grandfather winked at me and suggested we take what used to be one of our famous walks while my aunt and my grandmother visited together.
We couldn't have had a better summer evening for the walk. The sharp, cool night air made the stars look even brighter, so that even though there was no moon, we could clearly see the old country road ahead of us.
"Are you going to show me the land you're going to buy and develop again, Grandpa?" I kidded.
"Well for your information, young lady," he said, "I did buy the land. With a group of investors," he added.