At this point I didn't care. I didn't care at all.
6
Never the Same
.
The weather, which had been threatening all
day, finally changed for the worse. About an hour or so before we had reached home, the rain came. The sky burst open. Sheets of wind-swept drops whipped across Jake's windshield. The wipers were barely able to provide Jake with a clear enough view of the highway. All around me, the deluge of water streaked the windows, carving streams of tears in the glass. I could almost hear the sky crying over the monotonous sweep of the wipers and the hum of the tires on the wet pavement. Other cars rushed by, their headlights on, everyone looking like he or she was driving in a panic.
"We're getting a big one," Jake muttered. I had curled up in a corner of the rear seat and closed my eyes, opening them only when we heard the clap of thunder rolling over the roof of the car. The fast-falling drops sounded more like pebbles being heaved on us. A streak of thick lightning on our right seemed to singe the very air. Low clouds resembled smoke rising out of the trees and meadows, even rising from the houses that we rushed by.
Maybe it was the end of the world. I thought. Maybe the events in my life were so severe. Nature decided to throw in the towel and start someplace else, on another planet, perhaps, where life would evolve into people far less cruel to each other and themselves, and especially Nature.
Jake tried to cheer me up by describing some of the fun he had had in storms when he was younger, especially a time when he was once caught in a sailboat with a girlfriend he had told he was an expert sailor just so she would go out with him.
"Ever hear the expression. Caught in the web of your own deceit? Well. I turned that sunfish over three times, soaking us both, until finally I had to confess I didn't know how to get us back to short. She bawled the hell out of me and finally when we were in shallow enough water, we walked the boat in. You wouldn't think a kid so awkward in the water like that would end up in the navy, would you? But I did.
"Every time that girl saw me afterward, her eves would get wide and crazy, she'd hunch
up her shoulders and scream, 'Who are you trying to drown these days. Captain Marvin?"
I felt myself smile. but I didn't laugh. Jake was watching me in the rearview mirror. "I guess I was never exactly a candidate for the Don Juan award. The female animal has always been a mystery to me."
"It's all a mystery to me. Jake," I finally said. "Well, maybe the trick is not to spend so much time worrying about it. Princess. Maybe the trick is to just push forward and leave those questions to priests, philosophers and teachers. huh?"
"Maybe," I admitted. After a long silence between us. I said. "Next time Victoria comes around, I thinkI'll just give in to everything, Jake. There's no mystery about that. I don't belong here."
"Hey, forget that idea. You belong here just as much as anyone."
"I don't think I belong anywhere at the moment. Jake.'
"You'll change your mind in the morning," he said. "When this storm clears, well take Rain out. She's overdue. She's been asking after you," he continued. That brought another smile to my face. ''She lifts that hoof and stomps and neighs and twists her head and peers out of the stable looking for you. I can tell. I speak horse."
"Okay, Jake," I said laughing. "Until I leave, I'll ride her for You."
"For you. too. And for her," he corrected.
The rain didn't let up before we reached the house. In fact, the storm seemed to grow stronger. Trees were being bent in the wind to the point just before they would snap. Many branches had broken and were already scattered over the driveway and the street. Jake said he would call the grounds people in the morning and have them come up as soon as the weather permitted.
"You want me to do anything for you. Princess?'" he asked when he came to a stop in front of the house.
"No, Jake. There's nothing to do. I just want to get some rest,"
"Have some of that hot tea you call MIF," he suggested.
"Right."
"I'll call in the morning," he said. "You know how to reach me if you need me."
"Thanks. Jake. Don't get out and get wet for me. Just take the car home." I said. "I'm not going anywhere for a while. That's for sure." I said. I opened the door. but I didn't try to open the umbrella. I was confident the wind would take it out of my hands or break it if I did.
Instead. I charged out, slammed the door behind me and ran up to the portico. I turned at the door and saw Jake take a swig from his silver liquor flask before starting away. Everyone has his or her own way to face loneliness, I thought. but I wished Jake had found some other way.
It was terribly dark and cold in the house. I went from room to room turning on all the lights and then I went to the kitchen and heated some soup for myself. I started a fire in the fireplace in the sitting room, brought in my bowl of soup, and stared into the flames.
The wind howled around the house, twisting and turning itself to slam at the shutters and windows and make itself sound like hundreds of horses stampeding on the roof. I got a blanket and sprawled out on the sofa, permitting the fire to throw its warmth on my face. One question loomed above all others for me. Why? Why had I been brought to this house? For me it had vet to prove to be a safe harbor, a refuge, a sanctuary. Was fate just playing with me now? Was I being used to tease and torment this family, a family I certainly didn't ask to be born into? I fell asleep, haunted by the questions.