"No." I managed to whisper. Except in my heart. I wanted to say-- but I didn't have the strength.
"As soon as you get warmed up, you'll feel better," he said, be right back. I'll go fetch the wheelchair. too."
"Why'd you go and do something stupid like this?" Mrs. Bogart asked me as she pealed off my wet clothing. "After you were so sick, too. I knew I shouldn't have let you go outside yourself. I knew it. Now she'll blame me.
"I'm not a child," I muttered. "And stop worrying about being blamed."
"No," she said. "'You're not a child. A child would have more sense."
I almost laughed. Tired and weak. I let her take control. Moments later. I was soaking in a hot tub, my body starting to revive. I closed my eyes and felt myself drift.
"How's she doing?" I heard Austin ask Mrs. Bogart, I thought it was part of some dream until I opened my eyes and remembered everything.
I called far her and she came in to help me get out of the tub and put on a nightgown. She brought in my wheelchair and wheeled me back to my bedroom. where Austin wa
s waiting. He was wearing a terms cloth robe and was barefoot.
"How are you doing?" he asked me. "Better," I said.
Mrs. Bogart looked from me to him and said she would see about his clothes. We watched her leave and then Austin rose and sat on my bed.
"What were you really trying to do, Rain?"
"Drown myself," I admitted.
"I guess I made trouble for you with your aunt, was that it?" he asked.
"Hardly," I said. "No. I was upset about something else. My stepbrother got in trouble with the army again. I wrote and told him about myself, and he tried to come back here and was arrested and will be courtmartialed. It's all my fault."
"Why? He was the one who tried to go AWOL."
"Because of me! Because of my writing to him," I emphasized. He shook his head.
"I don't buy that. We're all responsible for ourselves. There were other things he could have done. If he makes you feel guilty..."
"He hasn't. I haven't heard directly from him," I said. 'My aunt just as an afterthought managed to give me the information earlier. Everyone I touch," I muttered. "and everyone who touches me..."
"Look, Rain. It's easy for me to tell you what to do and what to think, I know. I'm not the one in the wheelchair, but despite what's happened to you, there's no curse on you. Bad things happen to people. That's life. You know from being in the hospital's physical therapy department that there are people worse off than you."
"And better." I reminded him.
"And better." he agreed nodding, "but we're all vulnerable to the whims of fickle fate and we've got to do the best we can with the hand we're dealt. That's the only responsibility we have. Giving up doesn't gain us anything but some momentary pity from people who quickly forget us."
I looked up at him. sharply.
"What makes you so wise?" I asked. He shrugged.
"You think you would have been better off at the bottom of the lake?"
"I would have brought people less misery." I said. "And less pleasure," he retorted.
He looked at me so intently, his eves moving over my face so slowly and with such a look of appreciation. I felt my skin tingle. He was looking hard at my lips-- lips that were slightly parted and waiting to be kissed, which was what he did, so gracefullv and softly, I thought I must have imagined it. When he pulled back, his eyes remained closed as if he was savoring the delicious moment.
Before I could speak, we heard Mrs. Bogart coming and he straightened up.
"Here you go," she said bringing him his clothes, dry and neatly folded.
"Thank you. I'll just go in here and dress," he said nodding at the bathroom.