Cat (Wildflowers 4)

"Yes. I was very nervous all the next day. The talk at school was all about the dance, of course, and some of the girls were asking me what I was going to wear. When I described the dress my father had bought, they looked envious. It made me more confident and even proud and more appreciative of Daddy.

"When I got home, I packed a small bag for overnight. My mother acted as if she had either forgotten or hadn't paid enough attention to

understand I was going. She didn't try to stop me, of course. Why would she?

"All she said was, 'Make sure you take a bath in the morning and wash away all the germs you'll get on you sleeping in someone else's sheets. Wear as much as you can to sleep, too,' she advised.

"I promised I would and a little while later, Daddy arrived to pick me up. Shortly afterward, we were on our way. It was the first time we ever went anywhere alone overnight. I was naturally nervous and excited.

"'I have a surprise for you,' he said after I got into the car. 'Check the backseat.'

"I saw three boxes from a department store.

"'What is it, Daddy?'

"'Look for yourself,' he said with a laugh and I reached over the seat and brought the, boxes forward into my lap. First, there was a small box full of cosmetics: lipstick, eye shadow and makeup. Then he had bought me more clothes, clothes my mother would surely forbid. There was a soft pink cotton sweater, a pair of black Capri pants and black squaretoe flats.

"'Oh Daddy,' I said. 'Where can I wear this? Not to school, you know. Mother would be furious.'

" `No, it's just for today and tonight. We'll keep it all beside your dress in my car trunk for another time. I know what your mother would say, too,' he added, raising his eyebrows. 'But she's just out of touch with things today.' He smiled at me and then leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. 'Go on,' he said, 'climb into the back and put it on.'

" 'Now?'

"'Sure. Let's arrive in Santa Barbara in style,' he said, laughing.

"I was so excited about it, I did what he suggested. The sweater was a lot tighter than I would have liked and it had a deep, V-neck collar. There was no hiding my bosom in this, I thought, and the pants were tight, too.

"'I don't really know how to put on makeup, Daddy,' I said, but I put on the lipstick anyway.

"'That's okay,' he said. 'I wanted you to have it. I want you to have self-confidence, Cathy. Your mother has gone about all this in the wrong way. But we're fixing things,' he added, 'right?'

"I was so thrilled with what was happening, I agreed quickly. When we stopped at a gas station, I hopped out and went to the bathroom to look at myself. I couldn't believe the change. It

actually frightened me. Was this really me?

"Daddy looked so pleased. The gas attendant was staring at me hard when I returned to the car.

"'See that,' Daddy said. 'See the way that young man was ogling you? You are attractive, Cathy. Never think you're not,' he said.

"How good that made me feel. I felt like hugging him and thanking him. He cared about me. Nothing else seemed to matter for the moment, nothing."

I glanced at Doctor Marlowe. She looked displeased. I could hear her coaching me: Stop trying to explain yourself. Stop trying to find excuses. It wasn't your fault.

Nevertheless, I thought, Mother was right. How could it not have been some of my fault? I still believed that, even now, even as I told the story of what happened that night.

"A little while later, we pulled into the motel. It was right near the ocean.

" 'Where are you meeting your client, Daddy?' I asked him "'I'll call from our room,' he said, 'and see what he wants me to do.'

"The room he got for us wasn't a suite. It was just a room with a king-size bed.

"He saw the surprise in my face when we entered together.

"'This is the room with the best view,' he said. 'The bed's big enough, right?'

" 'I guess so,' I said hesitantly.

"Never before in my life had I ever slept in a bed with anyone, not even as a child. My mother always made it clear to me that I couldn't come crawling into her bed or my father's. If I was afraid or just needed to be held, I had to smother those feelings.