The thought of doing that sent a chill down my back, but then I realized my father could easily force it open anyway if he wanted to.
"Okay," I relented.
"And Cat?"
"Yeah?"
"Don't tell Jade or Star. It doesn't involve them," she said.
We don't keep secrets from each other, I thought, but I knew why she didn't want them to know. They might very well be upset at her for taking such a chance.
"I won't lie if they ask," I warned.
"No, I'm not asking you to. Just don't volunteer the information. Okay? If none of this is okay, I'll understand," she said.
"No, it's all right."
Actually, the thought of having someone else in the house tonight was comforting, even if they were totally involved in each other and practically forgot I existed.
"Don't wait up," she repeated, and hung up.
After I unlocked t
he back door, I went into the living room to watch television, but I didn't really see anything. The tube blinked and brightened, flickered with people. All the voices merged into one unintelligible hum. When I gazed around, I suddenly felt terribly lonely. It made me think of all the elderly people who sat in houses day and night, looking at the world through a television window. If they turned and looked out their house windows, nothing seemed much different after a while. What was real and what wasn't was hard to distinguish.
I closed my eyes and tried to think about Stuart, tried to remember our wonderful day and night, but already his face and his voice were sinking into the mire of lost remembrances. We hadn't had time to build a strong enough place for our memories to be safely stored. Had I imagined his smile, his wonderful words, his touch, and kiss? What had been real and what hadn't? Maybe none of it was. Maybe I had wanted it so much, I dreamed it all.
Worried still that Misty and I might not have done well, or that my father hadn't seen any of it, I tried to stay awake until she and Chris arrived, but try as I would, the terrible drowsiness was like water rushing over me, drowning me until I dropped deeper and deeper into a nightmare. I was rushing through a hallway full of cobwebs, breaking one after another, fleeing from someone whose footsteps grew louder and louder along with my growing panic. The cobwebs got thicker and harder to break. Soon I was struggling to get through one. The threads stuck to my arms and my legs like gum. I was be- coming more and more tired, stumbling now, until finally, I fell forward into a large web and just hung there, unable to move my arms or my legs.
When I looked down, I saw I was naked. The shadow coming after me grew darker and closer and then, I woke up, screaming. The sound of my own voice terrified me. I waved my arms and fell back in the chair, stunned that it had all just been a dream. I was soaked with sweat, too. My heart was a parade drum, marching my blood around my body in rhythmic thumps. It took a few minutes to get my breath.
It was still very quiet. Misty and Chris hadn't arrived. Actually, I had been asleep only a few minutes. Misty probably didn't want me to be down here when she and Chris arrived anyway, I thought. She made a big point of my not waiting up. I rose and started upstairs. I was going to soak in a tub and then try to sleep. Tomorrow, they would all be here, and we would start again and solve all our problems.
I went up and ran the tub. While I was soaking, I heard music below. I listened for a while, imagining them either dancing closely or kissing on the sofa. Misty was so happy she had found someone she liked and whom she believed liked her. I was envious, but not jealous. Each of us deserved some good luck, I thought. I had half hoped that Stuart would have rethought it all and decided I was too important to him to just give up, even over something like this. Maybe tomorrow he would show up and tell me just that. Then I imagined Star telling me to stop being a dreamer. "You're hanging around with Misty too much," she would say.
What kind of people don't dream, don't wish, don't live in fantasy at least once in a while, however? How droll and dreary their lives must be. Even Geraldine must have had her dreams, must have fantasized that the man she had loved, my real father, would have come by and told her she really was the one he wanted. In her mind she would have lived a fairy-tale life. How she must have resented me, the very embodiment of the death of her fantasy, the period that ended her "Once Upon a Time ..." abruptly and forever.
It was strange how now, after her death, I was beginning to understand her more and more, and even sympathize with her. Once again, I thought that if she had been wise enough to give me the truth long ago, she and I might have become real sisters and both of us might have had some happiness together.
The music was still playing when I got into bed. I lay there listening to it. Occasionally, I thought I could hear their muffled voices and some laughter. Then, the music stopped and it grew very quiet. I turned over, closed my eyes and soon fell asleep.
When I rose in the morning and went down, I expected to find Chris and Misty asleep on the sofa, but they were already gone. Either they had left very late the night before or very early this morning, I thought. There were two glasses on the coffee table, both still with some orange juice. I smelled them and thought there was vodka in them as well. They had left a blanket crumbled on the sofa. I folded it and put it in the closet and then I took the glasses to the kitchen I didn't have much of an appetite so I just had a slice of toast and jam with a little juice.
It looked like it was going to be a beautiful day. From what I could see, there wasn't a cloud in the sky and barely a breeze. I stepped out back and looked at Geraldine's grave. The rain from the night before had settled in and around it, making it more discernable. It looked like the ground had sunken some, but it also looked like some of the seeds of grass had begun to sprout. Very soon it would be covered and not so obvious, I thought.
As I stood there, I heard the doorbell ring. For a moment I didn't move. It was far too early for Jade, and Misty surely was still sleeping. We had never spoken to Star. Who would be there this early? It rang again and again. With my heart thumping, I went back through the house and first looked through the front window. I didn't recognize the car in the driveway, but when he stepped away from the door I spotted Larry in his uniform and breathed with relief. They rang again and I went to the door as fast as I could now.
"Sorry," I said, opening it, "I was out back."
"You were? Why?" Star asked, her eyes wide with suspicion. She was carrying a bag of groceries.
"Just getting air," I replied.
"Oh, good. We brought some breakfast," she began as she stepped in.
"Good morning, Cathy," Larry said.
"Good morning. You brought breakfast?"