There were feelings being born everywhere along my legs and in the pit of my stomach. feelings I had tempted and taunted in dreams. My own rush of pleasure was sweeping over me like the wave I imagined myself caught in earlier. I could feel the great struggle going on inside me, the battle between the forces that wanted me to push him away and jump up and the forces that wanted me to soften, relax, fall back, and invite him to go further and further.
"You do love me, too, don't you, Honey? Don't you?" he pleaded, lifting my sweater so he could bring his lips to my breasts.
I opened my eyes. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to speak. but I suddenly imagined Grandad standing the looking down at us. nodding. He extended his arm to put his Bible on Chandler's back. and I screamed.
Frightened by my cry, Chandler pulled himself away. The image of Grandad evaporated instantly, popping like a bubble.
"What's wrong?" Chandler asked.
I caught my breath and sat up.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I couldn't..."
Chandler slumped against the settee.
"Don't you like me enough. Honey?"
"Yes, I just... couldn't. Chandler.'"
"Why not?"
"I couldn't," I repeated and fixed my bra. "I'm sorry," I said.
"Me, too," he said, looking petulant and crabby. "We probably should have just gone to the movie theater."
"I said I was sorry, Chandler."
"When you wanted to come here. I thought you wanted to be with me."
"I do," I insisted.
"Right."
"I've never done this before," I confessed. He looked at me, and then at the floor, "I thought you knew that. too."
"I'm not exactly Don Juan myself," he said. "What I felt, what I hoped, was that when the right girl came along, a girl who thought I was the right guy." he added, turning back to me. "we'd trust each other enough to... to love each other."
I felt tears coming to my eves.
"I trust vou and I want to love vou," I said. 'But..."
"But?"
"You didn't just sit at your piano and start playing Mozart's Concerto in A Maj or. did you?"
He stared at me a moment.
"It's not something you need to practice to get right. At least. I don't think of it that way," he said.
"But it's not something to rush into. either. It's not practice. It's building a relationship, learning to care and care for each other until you both feel ready for all of it," I s
aid "Too many girls I know don't think it's anything special anymore. Am I wrong?"
"No," he said. He smiled. "Okay," he said. I'm sorry." I sat back, and we both turned to the movie once again.
But out of the corner of my eye, I looked to the doorway. I searched every shadow.
I was looking for Grandad.