“Why?”
I sit on my hands and stare. There’s no good answer to this question. “I’m a genius and the world can’t live without my words,” is too pretentious and probably untrue. “I love books and want to write the great American novel” is true, but is also what every student wants, because why else would they be in this class? “It’s my calling,” sounds overly dramatic. On the other hand, why is he even asking me this question? Can’t he tell that I should be a writer?
In consequence, I end up saying nothing. Instead, I open my eyes as wide as possible.
This has an interesting effect. Viktor Greene suddenly becomes uncomfortable, shifting in his chair and then opening and closing a drawer.
“Why do you have that mustache?” I ask.
“Mmph?” He covers his lips with his tapered, waxy fingers.
“Is it because you think that mustache is a part of you?” I’ve never talked to a teacher this way, but I’m not exactly in school. I’m in a seminar. And who says Viktor Greene has to be the authority?
“Don’t you like the mustache?” he asks.
Hold on. Viktor Greene is vain?
“Sure,” I say, thinking about how vanity is a weakness. It’s a chink in the armor. If you’re vain, you should do everything possible to conceal it.
I lean forward slightly to emphasize my admiration. “Your mustache is really, er, great.”
“You think so?” he repeats.
Jeez. What a Pandora’s box. If he only knew how Ryan and I make fun of that mustache. I’ve even given it a name: “Waldo.” Waldo is not any ordinary mustache, however. He’s able to go on adventures without Viktor. He goes to the zoo and Studio 54, and the other day, he even went to Benihana, where the chef mistook him for a piece of meat and accidently chopped him up.
Waldo recovered, though. He’s immortal and cannot be destroyed.
“Your mustache,” I continue. “It’s kind of like me wanting to be a writer. It’s a part of me. I don’t know who I’d be if I didn’t want to be a writer.” I deliver this line with great conviction, and Viktor nods.
“That’s fine, then,” he says.
I smile.
“I was worried you’d come to New York to become famous.”
What?
Now I’m confused. And kind of insulted. “What does my wanting to be a writer have to do with wanting to become famous?”
He wets his lips. “Some people think writing is glamorous. They make the mistake of thinking it’s a good vehicle for becoming famous. But it isn’t. It’s only hard work. Years and years and years of it, and even then, most people don’t get what they want out of it.”
Like you, I wonder? “I’m not worried, Mr. Greene.”
He sadly fingers his mustache.
“Is that it?” I stand up.
“Yes,” he says. “That’s it.”
“Thanks, Mr. Greene.” I glare at him, wondering what Waldo would say.
But when I get outside, I’m shaking.
Why shouldn’t I? I demand silently. Why shouldn’t I become a famous writer? Like Norman Mailer. Or Philip Roth. And F. Scott Fitzgerald and Hemingway and all those other men. Why can’t I be like them? I mean, what is the point of becoming a writer if no one reads what you’ve written?
Damn Viktor Greene and The New School. Why do I have to keep proving myself all the time? Why can’t I be like L’il, with everyone praising and encouraging me? Or Rainbow, with her sense of entitlement. I bet Viktor Greene never asked Rainbow why she wanted to be a writer.
Or what if—I wince—Viktor Greene is right? I’m not a writer after all.