Sex and the City

She took a sip of vodka: “I’ve been put in that position so many fucking times where a man wants a threesome. I was just with this boyfriend. We were with this other couple. They all wanted to play some kind of S&M game. I was put in the bedroom with the other woman’s husband, whom I’d known for years. We looked at each other, and I said, ‘This is never going to work because we’re both submissives. It’s a joke. We cancel each other out.’”

I wanted to know what happened if the two women in a threesome ignored the man.

“I pray for it,” said Simon.

“That’s what we all want,” said Tad. “It’s the real thing. It’s like having a live movie in your bed. You do the work to get the two women together.”

Jonesie seemed to be convinced that it worked a little differently. He kept using the word “pro.” We weren’t sure if he meant an actual prostitute who specialized in threesomes or something else.

“Usually, these things happen because the pro really wants to sleep with the woman,” Jonesie said. “She’s actually a lesbian, but she’ll sleep with a man to get the woman. The pro is going to deal with you as best she can, and keep you going for as long as she can, so the other woman, whom she really wants, doesn’t get nervous that she’s been aggressively sold out by the guy. The pro will keep you going as long as she can until she finishes you off. Then she devours the other woman.”

“I reject that,” Simon said. “Jonesie’s had a narrow range of experience.”

“IMAGINE SAYING NO”

”One of the girls in my threesome; she loved to have sex,” Jim said. “She’d had sex with all the guys we know.”

“Wait a minute,” Chloe interrupted. “How do you know she actually had sex with them?”

“Because Ian had sex with her,” Jim said. “Ian had sex with her, and he said she loved to have sex with every guy.”

“But how does he know?” Chloe said, indignant. “Maybe she only liked having sex with him. That’s what’s wrong with you guys.”

“Her idea is that she can be like a guy,” explained Ian. “Her idea is: Why do women have to be different from men? If a man can have sex with every girl he wants, why can’t she have sex with every guy she wants?”

“Look at Simon,” Jonesie said. “He wants her name and phone number right now.”

Jim continued: “The other girl was the opposite of the first girl. She was kind of virginal. She’d had two boyfriends in her whole life. Anyway, these two girls had moved in together. And the crazy girl changed the life of the virginal girl, because a week later, the virginal girl was ready to sleep with everyone.

“We’re all good friends,” Jim said. “I had slept with the crazy girl, and the virginal girl was a girl I’d been pursuing for a year. We went to see a movie, and afterwards we got a bottle of wine and went to their apartment. We drank the whole bottle of wine.”

“But that’s only three and a half glasses,” Chloe objected.

“There was a time when you, too, Chloe, could get drunk off of three and a half glasses of wine,” Tad said.

“Okay,” Jim said. “So we went back to their apartment and drank the teeny, tiny, little bit of wine that we had, and afterward, me and the crazy girl went into the bedroom—it was one of those bedrooms where the bed takes up the whole space so the only place to hang out is on the bed. So me and the crazy girl started fooling around. She wanted the other girl. And I wanted the other girl. We were both looking at her. She was walking around the apartment, trying to do her own thing. Walking into the bathroom and then the kitchen. Back and forth.”

“What did she have on?” Simon asked.

“I don’t remember,” Jim said. “But we finally grabbed her hand and pulled her into the bedroom.”

“And then you raped her,” Simon said.

Jim shook his head. “Nooooo. We sat her down on the bed and just started touching her. Rubbing her back. Then we pulled her down onto the bed. The two girls were apart, so I just started putting one girl’s hand on the other one’s chest. And then the girls got into it. I was still involved, but I was trying to creep away, just to watch. After that, they went around and did it with everyone in New York. They probably did it with twenty guys from Buddha Bar.”

Ian also had a story. “One time, I was having sex with a girl and there was another girl in the bed,” he said. “At one point, I looked at this other girl and our eyes locked. And for the next five minutes, we were just staring at each other. That was the kicker. That’s when it was great. That was intimate.”

Peter Beard, who had been uncharacteristically quiet, suddenly spoke up. “Imagine saying no to a threesome,” he said. “What an asshole you’d have to be.”

“IT’S SPORT”

“But you don’t really want to do it with a girl you care about,” said Tad.

“The best is when you do it with a girl who’s a great friend and a player,” said Ian.

“And that’s the reason why men want to have a threesome with you,” Tad said to Chloe. “You’re a great friend.”

Chloe glared.