I grin. “Oh, if she wasn’t telling me how much she hates my guts, I’d think she didn’t love me anymore.”
“Here we go again,” the nurse says as she scoots out of place from between Evie’s thighs just as a doctor rushes into the room and takes her place. “Okay, honey,” the nurse says to Evie. “This time I need a really big push.”
“I can’t,” Evie says weakly.
“Clifford,” I say, “you can. So get it done already, will you?”
The nurse shoots me an evil glance.
“I really dislike you right now, Grady Parker,” Evie says. “I dislike you all the way to hell and back. I don’t like your dick, either. And I don’t like this labor shit.” Then she bears down, her face turning a bright shade of red as she pushes for all she’s worth.
“Take a break,” the doctor says. “Stop pushing, Evie.”
Evie squeezes my hand as she starts to pant. I rest my forehead against her temple, and I stay there, close to her. “You can tell that doctor I said I don’t like him either, Grady,” she murmurs to me. “Please. Because this shit really hurts.”
The doctor turns his head and coughs into his shoulder, trying to hold back his grin.
“Is he laughing at me?” Evie asks me, as she pants and looks from me to the doctor and back.
“I’m sure he’s not stupid, Clifford,” I reply. “The man has a few college degrees.” I kiss the tip of her nose. “Only a stupid man would laugh at you.”
“Well, he’s got a dick,” Evie says. “And right now, anybody with a dick is a sworn enemy, seeing as how it was a dick that got me into this mess.”
“I vaguely remember you being right there with this dick,” I whisper, as I kiss her temple. She pushes her face closer to mine. “We were in the shower. It was Fright Night. After the Thriller dance.” I pant along with her. I pant so energetically that I start to get lightheaded and have to stop. But Evie can’t stop, so I push through it.
“You wouldn’t believe how many shower babies we get,” the nurse quietly confides. “And I hope you guys do the Thriller dance again this year, because I saw it in the Lake Fisher commercial on TV the other day and it was amazing. I’m dying to see it in person.”
Evie stares at her like she can’t believe she’s talking about the Thriller dance while Evie is trying to push a fully-grown baby out of her vagina.
“Let’s see if we can get this baby out now,” the doctor says. “Give me a big push,” he says loudly.
If I could take this pain away from her and bear it myself, I would. Sadly, I have a dick, so all I can do is support her through it. I’ve been with her for every single morning she spent puking, and every night she couldn’t sleep because she was up to pee every five minutes. I’ve been with her through all the heartburn, and even the hemorrhoids. I still don’t understand what hemorrhoids have to do with having babies, and I suppose I never will.
Junior had warned me that as she got bigger and bigger, I’d be put to the test. But it’s a test I’d take over and over again. The thing is I’m not even sure if I passed, but I’ve definitely enjoyed the exam. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I hold Evie’s hand as our daughter slides into the world. The doctor catches her and all but tosses her, all squirmy and bloody, onto Evie’s stomach. Evie reaches out a hand to lay it on her slimy little head, her eyes so full of wonder that I feel a tear roll down my own cheek just watching her as she sets her eyes on our daughter for the very first time.
“Jesus,” I breathe out, and my breath catches. “She is perfect, isn’t she…” My voice is full of wonder at the messy little bundle we made.
Until right this moment, it never seemed quite real. I knew there was a baby in there, but it was safely tucked away. Now she’s not. Now she’s here.
“Thank you,” I say to Evie.
She doesn’t lift her eyes from that perfect, screaming little bundle of blood and goo as she says, “Shut up, Grady.”
“Want to cut the cord, Dad?” the doctor asks.
Not really. But Evie shoves my shoulder and I take the clippers and sever our baby’s tie with Evie.
The nurse starts to wipe the baby clean, and they take her to test her reflexes and do other stuff that I don’t fully understand. “Go with her, Grady,” Evie says, and she shoves my shoulder again.
“You can walk over here, Dad,” the doctor says.
?
?Go, Grady,” Evie says. She shoves me again. She lies back weakly against the bed as another nurse works on her. “Go!” she finally snaps at me. So I go.
I watch as they test our baby’s reflexes, clean her up, and put goop in her eyes. “Healthy as a horse,” the doctor pronounces. They wrap her in a blanket, and then they put her in my arms.