I’d been exposed to people with DID in the hospital before. “Who do you know that has DID?” I asked.
“Me,” she said quietly.
34
Dear Diary,
I met Mason a week ago at his birthday party. I’ve thought a lot about him, but I really didn’t think I’d ever see him again. Then he came to the hospital today, just to see me. He wanted to ask me out on a date.
It was important for him to know the truth. So I told him about my disorder. He listened patiently, maybe with a little disbelief in his eyes, and he asked a lot of questions. I told him about Ash. She was the first personality that ever appeared. Then I told him about Jamie and Charlie. I didn’t mention Shelly, because the less he knows about her, the better.
I told him a little about my mom and dad, though I don’t like to talk about them at all.
Anyway, I thought he would run screaming from the building, but he didn’t. He asked me out for ice cream. His mother was very upset about it, and reminded both of us that I wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital. Instead, Mason left, went down the street, got some milk shakes, and came back. We went to the lounge and sat and talked while we drank them.
His mother hovered like she was afraid I would kill him. I didn’t want to kill him. Shelly might, but I didn’t. I wanted to get to know him. Hope was blooming inside my chest for the first time ever, and I wanted to grab hold of it. I didn’t want to let it get away.
I don’t know what will happen with Mason, but I know I want to find out.
Does that make me a bad person?
* * *
Dear Diary,
Mason kissed me today. We had been playing ping pong in the hospital lounge, and I crawled under the table to retrieve the ball. We bumped heads, because he’d crawled under to get it too. Then he kissed me, right there under the table. It was sweet and soft, and I nearly passed out right then. I imagined myself falling to the carpet, unconscious, and one of my friends taking over. Would he know I wasn’t me anymore? Would he care? Or would he be able to tell us apart? My heart believes he could. My head disagrees.
* * *
Dear Diary,
Mason met Jamie today. Jamie is the one who bears the physical scars. She wears them out in the open, and she is not ashamed of them. She lets people touch her. I wish that I could do that. Jamie asked me if I’d like for her to show Mason all of her scars. I don’t want to share him. Does that make me selfish?
* * *
Dear Diary,
Some people with DID don’t share thoughts with their alter egos. They don’t share experiences. I’m a little different in that regard. When my friends are here, I can see and experience everything they see and experience. While I am autonomous, they are not. They are never alone with anyone. I am always there. They allow me to have experiences I could never have otherwise, because alone, I am not strong enough. I am weak. I am selfish. I use them to make myself more comfortable.
They are in love with Mason, just like I am. The question is…can he love them back? Or will his guilt prevent him from loving all of them. And all of me at the same time.
He is not cheating on me when he is with them. I am them. They are me. We are one, although we don’t seem to be.
It’s hard to explain, but I think that Mason gets it. I do worry, however, that this will be too much for him. Sometimes I think I see worry and fear in his eyes.
That makes me hurt inside, that I could be harming him without even meaning to.
35
I wasn’t aware that Lynn knew about my guilty feelings regarding the alters. Reading her letters helped me to understand a lot about her feelings and her thoughts. I hoped that Lynn was aware of everything that went on when she was gone, but I could never be sure. She never brought it up.
I slept with the alters because I didn’t want them to sleep with anyone else. I didn’t want them to go looking for relationships. I wanted them to be mine, just like her, because they’re a part of her.
Ash was the chameleon. She could fit in anywhere. She was also kind and funny and thoughtful.
Jamie was the one who wore the scars, just like Lynn said in her letter. But Jamie wore them with pride, which was difficult for Lynn. She wouldn’t even show them to me until after Jamie showed them to me first. After that first time with Jamie, Lynn was more open about the scars. Jamie eased the way.
Charlie was the one who was willing to give up control. Lynn clung tightly to order. Charlie was the opposite. She wanted someone to protect her, thrill her, and tell her what to do. She wanted to give up any semblance of autonomy.