What She Didn't Know (What She 1)

“Why, Mason? Why can’t you love me too? You love the rest of them.”

“Because you’re not her, Shelly. You’ll never be her. You should really stop trying.”

She stood up tall and adjusted her clothing. “Sometimes I think you’re the crazy one, Mason.”

I agreed with her. I just didn’t say so.

“Can I ask you a question?” Shelly asked, her voice softer than normal.

“No.” I continued to put up chairs.

“Why do you do it?”

I heaved out a breath. “Doing it was never a choice for me. I love her.”

“When you’re with them, do you use condoms?”

“That’s none of your fucking business.”

“You should, you know. It’s the fair thing to do.”

Fair. What did she mean by that?

“If you get one of them pregnant, you want to be sure which one of them it is.”

I fucking hated Shelly so much in that moment, because she’d just brought up my greatest regret. Lynn and I would never be able to have a family, because no one with any sense would bring children into a world like ours.

My mom walked back into the room and she froze just inside the doorway. “Everything okay in here?”

“Fine,” I said as I stacked the last chair.

“What’s wrong?” She glanced from Shelly to me and back. “Lynn?” she said.

“That’s not Lynn, Mom,” I said. “It’s Shelly.”

Shelly lifted her hand and waved. “Hi, Dr. Peterson.”

“Mason, I’d like to have a word with Shelly.”

I left without saying anything more.

Every day that Shelly showed up turned to shit. But that day was nothing compared to the day that Lynn found Shelly in my bed.

38

Malcolm sat next to me at the bar. I rarely ever got this drunk, but Lynn was gone and Mal had called, and I couldn’t figure out a reason not to go. Sitting with Mal beat being alone, and the burn of the alcohol beat the feeling in my gut that something wasn’t right.

This time, Lynn had been gone for forty-eight hours, and not one of her friends had come to see me. Not one of them had graced me with her presence. I missed them. I missed her.

“She’ll be back soon,” Malcolm said. “She always comes back.”

“When?” I shouted. I said it loud enough that several people turned to look at me. I brought my voice down a few notches. “When? When will she come back? Or one of the others? They never leave like this. Not all of them. One of them is always here.”

“Have you seen Shelly?”

> I snorted. “I see her every-fucking-where I look. But she’s not the one I want to see. Or the other ones I want to see.”

“Can I ask you something about that?” Malcolm said. He winced and I knew he was worried about asking.