Holding Her Hand (The Reed Brothers 9)

“But then you asked me to lunch.” He grins. “And then you stole my cap. And then you made me want you by being so damn cute with the ransom notes.”

“That’s all it took? Damn, you’re easy.”

His eyes narrow. “Are you ready for a relationship?”

“Define ready.”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then they fly open and he rushes with his hands. “I think about you all the time. I want to know everything about you. I want to hang out with your dad. I want to play strip poker with you. I want you to play the keyboard for me with really big speakers so I can feel the passion when you play.”

I wave a hand to stop him. “Why do you assume I have passion when I play?”

“Because you have this fire in you…”

I point to my chest. “Me?”

“Yes, you. You burn brightly.”

“I didn’t burn at all for a really long time.”

He looks at my wrist, picks it up, and presses his lips against the tender skin. “Tell me about the day you did this?”

I tug my arm back, but he holds tight, the pad of his thumb trailing from side to side across the scars. A shiver runs up my spine. My skin is really tender from the tattoos, but he’s gentle. “I’ve never told anyone about that.”

“You could start with me.” He puts his hands together like he’s praying. “Did it all start with a cold, dreary night?”

“No, it started with a bright, sunny day. I had been depressed for quite some time. Marta and Emilio were worried, so they made me go to a therapist. He gave me meds for depression, but I didn’t take them. I didn’t want to escape my grief or my loneliness.”

“You had five sisters and you were still lonely?”

“Yes. That’s the thing with depression. You can be in a crowd and still feel like you’re completely alone.”

I lay my head back against the pillow. His hand goes back to rubbing up and down my shin.

“I killed my parents, and I had a hard time getting over that. I’m still not over it.”

“You didn’t kill them.”

“I caused their deaths.”

“So, you didn’t go to therapy, and you didn’t take your meds…” He rolls his finger to prompt me to continue.

“So, I didn’t go to therapy and I didn’t take my meds and I felt like I was freefalling all the time, like there was nothing to hold onto. That day was particularly bad. It was the anniversary of their deaths.”

“Who found you?”

“Marta. I don’t think she’ll ever forgive me.” I take a breath. “See, the thing is I really didn’t want to die. I just wanted to catch up to the life that was going on all around me. I couldn’t. You won’t understand it. I can’t begin to explain.”

“Try me. I might understand more than you think.”

I have all of his attention. “I wanted to be new. I wanted to start over. I wanted to be someone else. But when I woke up in the hospital, I was still me. My parents were still gone. But Melio and Marta were there, and my sisters were there too. And they were angry at me. Melio swore at me. He swore at us all the time, because he’s Emilio, but he never actually swore at me in anger. And he was very angry. And scared. And Marta…she was hurt. And at that moment, I realized that even though my parents were gone, I had been given a wonderful gift and I was squandering it. So I went to therapy. I took the meds. The world became a brighter place.” I toss up my hands. “That’s it. That’s all of it.”

“Why the gloves?” he asks. “Why didn’t you just wear long-sleeve shirts to cover the burns?”

I laugh. “It wasn’t the burns I needed to cover. It was the suicide scars. They hurt my sisters and my parents every time they saw them. So I blamed it on the burns and wore the gloves. I didn’t want them to have to see. I didn’t want them to remember. And I guess I didn’t want to remember it either.”

“Have you ever felt like doing that again?” he asks.

“No. I’ve never felt like that again.” Is he worried that I’ll try to hurt myself again?