Because I may punch him in the face if he does.
“No, this is the part where I ask if he hurt you. Look, man, Jason’s a great guy, but…” He huffs, rakes a hand through his blue hair.
“But?”
“You gonna make me spell it out, aren’t you? Fine. He’s a hooker. A handsome guy, even if I don’t swing that way. Confident, nice. And you don’t have much experience with guys. Or sex. I think—”
“Oh shut up, Shun,” I say, disgusted. “You think I’m that fucking stupid I can’t tell sex from feelings?”
My words hang in the air between us. One word in particular.
Feelings.
Holy shit.
And yet… Does Jason feel anything for me at all? Since he walked out of my apartment, doubt has been eating at my confidence like acid. Easier to snap at Ocean than admit it, and the realization is a punch to my gut.
Everything’s wrong, and the truth is that I don’t fucking know what to do.
So I zip up my jacket and turn to go. Better than yelling at my brother over nothing.
“Not so fast.” A hand on my shoulder stops me. I stay still, breathing hard. “Look, you’re right. I’m sorry. You’re not stupid, I know that. But how the hell am I supposed to know what’s going on in your mind if you never talk to me, huh?” He squeezes my shoulder. “Come on, R, talk to me. You gonna make me beg? I’m getting too old for this. The floor would be hell on my knees.”
Sighing, I turn around to face him. “Kayla is rubbing off on you. You never had a sense of humor before, and you’re still not funny, Shun.”
He shrugs and grins. “What can I say? My girl’s the best. I can only walk in her shadow.”
And that, my friends, is funny, because Kayla is a slip of a girl and Ocean is almost as tall as me.
“Bastard. I’m still pissed at you.”
“Yeah, I know.” He rubs the back of his head and gives a sheepish smile. “I’m used to it. You were pissed off with me for fucking years.”
&
nbsp; That’s hitting below the belt. Now I feel like a heel. I rub a hand over my mouth. “Shun—”
“Just promise me you’ll come to me with whatever is bothering you.” He nails me with his gaze, so similar to mine. “Anything at all. Whether it’s man-trouble, or if you have any doubts about what you feel, what you need, or… or this mess with Simon Gomez. Yeah? Especially that. Don’t go in half-cocked and put yourself into danger, you hear me? Promise me that.”
My turn to nod. He really means it. He really is scared for me, and that’s the last thing I want. “I promise.”
“I don’t have all the answers, but for you, brother...” He nods. “For you, I’ll turn the world upside down to find all the answers you need. That’s my promise to you.”
What can you say to that? My brother has always had my back, even when I was a total ass to him. Every time. All these years. I forget my anger and grab him in a bear hug that has him grunting.
“Thank you,” I say and hope he hears it in my voice, my gratitude for being there my whole life. “You’re the best, Shun.”
And then right on the heels of that, I think—does Jason have anybody who’d lay his life down for him, like I do? Who’s worried about him, who cares about him?
It’s not me, that’s for sure. He doesn’t want me to be that person. He made that plenty fucking clear.
Anger is what keeps me going over the next few days. Not directed at Ocean—how could it, after the way he pummeled me with brotherly love and affection the other night? He didn’t think twice about baring his soul to me, his fears, his worry.
The complete opposite of Jason, who keeps his feelings locked up inside.
Or maybe he has no feelings. Not for me, anyway. Maybe what I took for vulnerability was something else. Not a chink in the armor but an illusion.
Maybe Ocean is right. After all, it’s true: my experience with men and sex is limited, and I had to go and fall for a guy who has it in spades.