Broken Compass

The whole thing makes me feel like a stalker. I need to stop. If I happen to see him, then that’s it.

I see Nate, though. Hard not to when w

e have classes together.

I have fun with Nate. He’s funny, and affectionate, and so sweet sometimes, like when he brings me my favorite bubble gum and leaves doodles of cute little monsters in the margins of my notebook during English.

I’m not attracted to him, I tell myself, doing my best not to stare at his warm eyes, the light scruff on his jaw, his floppy brown hair and wide shoulders.

His wide, tempting mouth.

It’s not working. My skin flushes when I’m sitting close to him, his smell of leather and boy seeping into my skin, befuddling my senses.

It’s as if the fire in me has changed. It flows in different pathways under my skin. Makes me want things. Want to touch and be touched.

Want to kiss and be kissed.

“So we’re set?” Nate asks.

“What?”

“About tomorrow. It’s Saturday. You’re not working tomorrow, are you?”

I rewind to what he’d been talking about a minute ago. “I’ll have to check with the family I babysit for, but… no wait, they’re out of town for the weekend.”

Which means less money for me.

Crap.

“Awesome, then.” He slaps his hand lightly on my desk as he slings his backpack over his shoulder and goes past me. “You’re coming.”

Coming to… a brunch, apparently. At West’s apartment downstairs from his.

“Is Kash going to be there?” I call after Nate who’s almost at the door of the classroom.

He stops and turns. He’s not smiling. “You want him to be?”

I shrug, a prickling of unease in my stomach. “He doesn’t know anyone here. Might be nice for him to meet people. Why not?”

Nate makes a face like he’s sucking on a lemon. “No reason. You really like Kash, huh?”

“You like him, too.”

“Not the point.”

“Then what is the point?” I tear my gaze away from Nate with an effort. God, why is it so hard to do? And what does he mean? “Tell me.”

“I just…” He stops. His eyes narrow, and his jaw tightens. “Nothing. I’ll invite him for you, though I can’t guarantee he’ll come. But hey, whatever makes you happy, girl.”

Will it make me happy? I have no idea if having Kash there when Nate is clearly unhappy about it would please me. But apparently it’s a done deal because Nate turns around and leaves, and for the first time in what feels like forever he doesn’t wait for me.

I sit there with my heart pounding and tears burning the back of my eyes, wondering what that means.

Still I manage to get excited about the brunch the next day. I lie awake in bed, staring at the blue morning sky outside, and smiling. Just the thought of being with the boys lightens my thoughts.

Though at this point, I’d take almost any company. Sad, isn’t it?

Don’t let yourself get too lonely. That’s the first rule. We humans are social animals, my biology teacher once said. Not loners.