Broken Compass

“Come to bed?” she whispers, and I let her take my hand and pull. Bracing myself on the toilet, I climb to my feet and follow her out of the bathroom on legs that feel as if they’re made of rubber.

Nate is waiting outside. “Jesus, West.” He grabs me around the shoulders, drags me into the bedroom together with Sydney and plonks us down on the mattress, Sydney sinking down beside me with a yelp. He pokes a finger into my chest. “So what is it?”

“What is what?” I’m trying to buy time, gather my wits, but he doesn’t give it to me.

“You know what I’m asking.” He shakes his head, then sits down beside me. “How can I make it better, West? What is it that’s still weighing on your mind?”

The past. The past is weighing on me, and I wish I could cast it off like a filthy coat lined with lead and stones, but I can’t.

It’s part of me.

“I’m okay. Seriously, guys. I’ve had bad dreams for years. I just need to sleep.”

Nate sighs, rubbing at his eyes. “Something’s killing you, and you won’t tell us about it.”

“Says you,” I mutter. “Like you ever told us. We had to find out from overhearing your fucking dad.”

He winces, and I want to punch a hole through the wall. I’m right. So why do I feel guilty—again?

“Enough guys.” Sydney climbs to the middle of the bed, and I turn to follow her curvy form as she curls up on the mattress. “Dawn is a long way off. Let’s get some sleep.”

Grateful for the respite, I crawl beside her, and Nate takes her other side.

But long after we’ve lain back down, their warm naked bodies surrounding me, sleep eludes me, fragments from the dreams—and reality—haunting me, and I can’t help wondering, with all the drama of my family dying and me coming to live here, with them…

Is Kash leaving my fault, too? It wouldn’t fucking surprise me.

Living in an apartment where I still don’t know where everything is, where I haven’t yet cleaned every corner, is fucking weird. All my life I’ve lived in Jonathan’s apartment, cooking and cleaning and taking care of him and Della, and now…

Now everything’s changed.

Weeks have passed since Kash vanished. I’ve moved my

stuff into his room. It feels surreal, and sad, and it’s not even like I sleep in there at all. We always sleep in Nate’s room. We even discussed getting a bigger bed for a more comfortable fit and better sleep.

Good luck with the latter, but otherwise… it makes sense. And I may not sleep much, but with their limbs twined with mine, I tend to sleep much better than I did before.

Even if I still go through the days like a zombie, living on caffeine. Luckily, I’ve landed a job in a Starbucks, so I have a constant supply of coffee to keep me awake.

I carry my extra-large cup home after work today, my hands shaking, my heart beating a double beat from what is likely to prove a fatal overdose of the stuff.

And no, I don’t wanna die. Not really.

Though it feels like it sometimes, after a nightmare.

“West, that you?” Nate pokes his head out of my room. Kash’s room. “Get in here.”

“What are you doing?”

“Searching. And thinking. Mostly thinking.” He’s dressed in sports clothes—a black T-shirt and light blue jogging pants and shoes. Probably ready to head out to his second job at the gym. “Join the party.”

Curious, I step inside, the cup in my hand.

Sydney grabs it from me and takes a long gulp, red curls sticking to her sweaty face. She makes a face and hands it back. “No sugar?”

“If I had sugar, too, I’d be climbing the walls.”

She throws me a concerned look, and I move away from her, cursing myself. Shit, I’m slipping. Goal is not to worry Syd and Nate, right? Stick to it.