Hawk (Sex and Bullets 2)

I know what she’s asking. “Yes.”

Her turn to nod. “No chance of you being pregnant then?” I shake my head, and she leans back. “Okay. Storm tells me it’s been a hectic week for you. It could be the stress, or a bug. But listen, we can’t exclude the possibility of a pregnancy, not if you’re sexually active.”

Yes, we can, I want to shout at her, but I don’t trust myself not to break down in front of this unknown woman. So I accept the pregnancy test she takes out of her bag and puts on the bed beside me. Accept the anti-nausea pills. And promise to take the test and let her know about the results.

Big fat chance of me doing that.

I can’t get pregnant. The doctor I saw a year ago was clear about that. I never asked about other possibilities, true, the possibilities Hawk mentioned, and now my thoughts are tripping over themselves. I never considered the possibilities because there was never a man I wanted to share this journey with—but now? Am I ready? Could we do this?

What if we could have children after all? Chubby children with Hawk’s eyes and smile?

Oh God. If we can have kids, even through a surrogate mom, screw the pony.

Metaphorically, of course.

Because if I can have Hawk’s children, what more could I want? Even if my ovaries are useless. Even if we need donor eggs.

If he was serious. If he really wants this.

My head is spinning again.

Hawk returns to my side, a grin on his face. “Doc says you should be fine. Lots of water, good food, rest. Maybe it’s stress, or a bug, she said. You’ll be fine.”

I smile back at him, shoving the pregnancy test under the pillow. If the doctor didn’t mention it to him, I’m not going to tell him, either.

It’s stupid anyway. Impossible.

I hate that she planted the idea in my mind. I hate it because it hurts. Hope hurts, and I thought I’d given up all hope on that front long ago. The tiny seed of hope, and doubt is like a jagged piece of glass lodged in my thoughts.

So I ignore it, force the seed deep, and when Hawk climbs back into bed, I fall in his arms and let the doubt and worry fade. The housekeeper brings us food, and we eat and drink in bed. I take the anti-nausea pills, and after it’s all been cleared away, I rest my head on Hawk’s chest, listening to his heartbeat.

Lost in thought, I don’t immediately realize that he’s fallen asleep.

I gaze up at his face, relaxed in sleep. His beard and hair glint like pale gold, his bare chest is a map of taut muscles and dark bruises. I follow with my eyes the trail of cruelty up his neck, to his still swollen jaw and bruised eye.

He’s never seemed more human before. Until this week. This week he shed his armor and his mask and became a man. Just a man—a handsome, sexy, strong man, but also a real person, able to feel fear and pain and despair.

The man I love.

Chapter Nineteen

Hawk

I awake in degrees. First I smell sweet vanilla and warm girl, and soft hair tickles my nose. My body is curled against her back, and my left arm is numb where her head rests. My other arm is draped over her waist, my hand resting on her belly.

My mouth curls up into a smile. This is… happiness, I guess? It’s a feeling of fullness in my chest, like I can’t fit anything more, a feeling that everything’s right, everything will be fine, and…

And that I’m not alone anymore.

Gray dawn light filters through the window. We both slept clear through the night, from the looks of it. At least I don’t remember anything from the moment I climbed onto the bed beside her and drew her in my arms last night.

Did we have dinner?

I have no damn memory of it.

I’m still smiling, though, as I recall what she said. That she’ll be my girl. My smile spreads until I’m grinning like an idiot.

Never thought I’d practically beg a girl to be with me. To consider a future with me. That I’d be so thrilled that she said yes.