Marriage of Unconvenience

“I think I’m queer. I mean, I am about ninety percent sure. That’s... that’s what I’ve been talking to my therapist about.” My body felt like it was falling, even though I was lying down.

“How long have you known?” This night had gone from surreal to completely dreamlike. Could this be happening?

“I’m not really sure. I suspected before the wedding. Probably for the past year. Then we got married and everything just kind of got weird and I didn’t know what to do or how to talk to you about it. I don’t know, I feel like the wedding just kind of was my catalyst.” I was reeling.

“So, do you...” I trailed off, unsure of where I was even going with that sentence.

“I have feelings for you, Loren. Something that’s different than friendship. Yes, that is still there, but there’s more on top of that. I just... you’re my everything.” My breath caught in my chest and time completely stopped.

“Am I really awake? This isn’t a hallucination?” That made her chuckle softly.

“No, you’re awake. I didn’t mean to kiss and drop this on you, but I’ve been thinking about it for weeks and wanting to tell you and talk to you and I just couldn’t bring myself to say it. So I figured the best way to do it was to show you.”

“Show, don’t tell,” I said, making a terrible joke.

“Pretty much,” she said.

“So wait, can we back up for a second? This is all kind of happening at once and I want to make sure I’ve got this straight. Or not, I guess.” Another bad joke.

“Do you want me to turn on the light?” Cara asked, but I shook my head.

“No, it’s easier to do this in the dark for some reason.” I didn’t want the light to shatter everything that had just happened.

“Okay.”

“So you, Cara Lynne Simms, are telling me that you are mostly likely queer, and you have more than friendship feelings for me. Did I get that right?” Even saying it out loud didn’t make this situation feel more concrete and real.

“Yes, you got that right.”

“Oh,” I said, exhaling the syllable.

“Exactly. I know you probably need time to process and um, if you don’t feel the same way, that’s fine, I can figure my shit out and we’ll get the annulment and I can move into student housing and –”

I cut her off with another kiss. Now it was my turn to say what I meant without words. I went right for the inside of her mouth and she opened immediately, as if she’d been waiting for me. Like we had never taken a pause.

I told her with my body what I couldn’t articulate in words. Not yet anyway. I poured everything into this kiss, as if it was both the first and the last. I gave her my heart. All of it poured out until I had nothing left. That was the only way I could articulate my feelings for her. My show and my tell.

I ended my declaration with a few soft kisses, nuzzling her lips and nose.

“Does that answer your question about my feelings for you?”

Now Cara was speechless.

“You like me?” I burst out laughing.

“Yes, Cara, I like like you. A whole fucking hell of a lot. I have no idea when it started. Maybe I’ve always loved you, but I just never saw it. I told myself that what I felt for you was regular friendship. But ever since you moved in, things have just... escalated. I have been staring at you. And I can’t stop thinking about you. Those vows I made to you, they were real. I pulled them from the depths of my soul. I meant it when I promised to be yours. I just didn’t know, but now I do. I’ve known for weeks, but I’ve been in such deep denial. I don’t know why. Maybe because you’re too good to be true and I don’t think I deserve you. I definitely don’t deserve you.”

Cara put her index finger on my lips.

“Stop that. I don’t want to hear that you don’t deserve me. Because you, Loren Alyssa, deserve the fucking world. I’m only sorry I can’t give it to you. Who else would have given up thousands upon thousands of dollars to someone else without even thinking twice about it? You married me, Lo. You married me to help me live my dreams. Who else would have done that for me?”