“Have fun,” I snarl and make myself move, start to stand up.
Zane’s hand snags on my wrist and keep me down. Dammit. “Not yet.”
“I need to get to work, too. I’ll be late.” And I’ve lost track of time.
“Why are you working two extra jobs? Rafe’s been asking me that. He covers your rent, so you can focus on your training. I know you need a job for your daily expenses, but, man, you’re wearing yourself out.”
“I need the money.”
“And I need you focused on your training. You’re almost there.” He rubs one shaved side of his head. “What the hell do you need more money for? Gonna buy yourself a limo and ride into the sunset?”
I laugh. Can’t help it, because that’s just… “I don’t want to go anywhere. Hell, this is the first stability I’ve had in my life.” And doesn’t that suck donkey balls? “But I figured I’d be ready for when you kick me out.”
I curse inwardly when the words leave my mouth. What’s wrong with my self-control today? Or rather, my absolute fucking lack of it.
“What makes you think I’ll kick you out?”
“Man, everyone does, sooner or later. Nothing this good ever lasts, and you’ll soon change your mind.”
Like Amber did.
“The hell, J.”
“Look,” I say, “I live on borrowed time. I know it, all right? Like I’m renting a room in someone else’s life. The life of someone more deserving than me. I’m a fraud. Fucked up to hell and back. People get tired of my shit eventually and leave.”
I’m dead serious, and when Zane starts to laugh, it’s like a bucketful of cold water being thrown down my back.
Motherfucking hell.
“What’s so funny?” I mutter. “You asked.”
I jerk when he slaps my back, still laughing. What’s up with all the back slapping?
“Fucker,” he says when he can breathe again, “you’re fucking nuts, you know that?” He slaps me again, then grabs my shoulder, as if guessing I’m one second from shooting to my feet and leaving. “You are special. Believe it. And even if you weren’t, that wouldn’t matter anymore, okay? Because now you are family, and even if you were the stupidest, laziest fuck on Earth—which you’re not, thank God—we still wouldn’t give you up.”
I’m sure I’m gaping at him like a fish, and this time when he slaps my back, I barely feel it. My chest is so tight I wrap an arm around it.
“You serious?” Because I don’t believe he is.
“Fucker, I’ve never been more serious in my life. Invest your money in people. Spend it on people you care for. Buy your girl gifts, flowers, teddy bears, whatever. But never think we’ll throw you out.”
I say nothing. I guess I’m still in shock.
“I’m about to offer you a job, so finish your training already, okay? You’re fucking ready.” Zane stands up, and I’m still sitting, trying to absorb what he said. “And as for Amber… It’s up to you to change your reputation. Hear what I’m saying? Be who you want to be, J, and everyone else will see it, sooner or later.”
***
I won’t give up.
The thought buzzes in my head as the days pass with no word from Amber. I clean the tattoo shop, I practice my art on a new customer, and Zane seems pleased with my work. He tries to talk to me again, but I can’t deal with that shit right now.
I need Amber to talk to me, need to clear this up, no matter what happens afterward. No matter if she decides she’s had enough of me and walks away anyway.
Who would blame her? Not me.
But goddammit, it hurts. Never thought it could hurt so much. You’d think a guy who had his world come crashing around his ears so many times would feel nothing.
Instead, I feel too much. Since Zane and Rafe brought me here, since I got a place to live and an art to learn, the numbness I’d perfected shattered, and since I met her…