Jesse (Damage Control 2)

I wince in sympathy.

“I didn’t want to stay on the farm after that. I wanted to see the world, live in the city. We had a fight, my older brother Howard and I. So I packed up and left. I traveled a lot, hitched rides on cars and trucks and boats. I walked across Europe. I went to China.”

The chili bowl forgotten, I lean forward, straining to catch every word. “China. Wow.”

“Yeah, that was something.” He chuckles. “A vast place. Weird people. Kind, too. Different. I thought that was the farthest from home I’d ever be, and I thought I’d be happy. Well, I was wrong on both accounts.”

“Why?”

“Because, boy, I wasn’t happy. And the farthest from home I’ve ever been is here, not thirty miles from the farm where I grew up.”

“So close?”

“Right around the corner.” He shakes his head, scratches his arm, swats at a fly. “While I was away, Dale died. He fell from his horse and broke his neck. Howard got married, had four kids. And I am here.”

Alone. He didn’t say it, but I can hear it loud and clear.

“You want to go home,” I whisper.

“I do, but it’s been so long since I last talked to Howard I can’t bring myself to call. You know how it is.” He sighs. “Pride. Resentment. Distance. But I’m old, boy, and not growing any younger. When you reach my age, you’ll realize that home is where your heart is. If my brother came to me now… Hell, I’d sell this shithole of a place and move back in a heartbeat, know what I mean?”

I nod, loath to tell him I have no clue. I mean, sure, when you have no roof over your head, no real family, you appreciate friends like nothing else. So Helen was my home for a while.

But what I also learned during my fun teenage years was that the people you care for may vanish from your life and leave you in the cold just as easily. With Helen gone, my home was gone, and I was left mourning.

As for Amber… Amber hasn’t answered, hasn’t acknowledged my gifts, my cards, my words. All I scribbled for her, letter by painful letter. Christ, I’ve sat and stared at the drawings I made of her. I tried baking breakfast muffins the way she taught me. I dreamed of her. Remembered how her skin tastes, how her hair smells.

Hell, I’ve even found myself buying coconut shampoo and coconut soap, because the scent reminds me of her.

But it doesn’t matter, does it? It never does. Maybe it’s time to give up, leave her in peace. Maybe that’s what she really wants.

Oh come on, Jesse Lee. Don’t be all surprised and shit. Nobody gives a fuck that you love her, that you want her. That you’d do anything for her. You wanna sta

y with her?

Nah. Don’t you know it yet? You’re just too much damn trouble to keep around.

Regards, The World.

***

Mel closes shop early tonight. He insists he’s fine, which is bullshit, but I hope all he needs is a good night’s rest. After I help him lock up, I head home, worried and damn tired. Despite the exhaustion, I feel ready to snap, a headache hammering behind my eyes.

So when my cell rings and it’s Seth, asking if I’d like to grab a beer, I’m game. I’d be game for anything right now, to be honest. Hell, I’d drink gasoline and light myself on fire. Anything to stop the thoughts churning in my aching head.

We meet in Halo, our usual place, and huddle around two bottles of Abita Amber. Shane and Ocean are there, too, shooting pool and cracking jokes.

“You okay, man?” Seth lifts the bottle to his mouth for a swig and regards me over the rim. “You haven’t looked up from your drink since you arrived.”

I shrug, look up at him to make a point, and go back to studying my fucking beer.

“Still no word from Amber?”

I shake my head. It has to stop hurting at some point, right? Has to, or I’ll go mad.

“Man, that sucks ass. But at least you still have a chance.” He upends his beer, swallowing it down, then glances at the pool table.

A chance?