Christ. Somewhere inside me I’m starting to believe that maybe this is really happening. The girl who’s been on my mind for so long, who’s been the reason I went out most times just to see, wants me back. Sleeping with me wasn’t a casual thing, like I thought. She means this.
I can taste it on her lips, hear it in her voice. I should be over the moon.
And I am. But I can’t, not yet.
I managed to keep the flashback from taking over, managed to keep the panic attack at bay, and yet…
The trees whisper over our heads. Snowflakes swirl in the air. What if this isn’t real?
I break the kiss, grab the pendant. Let the sharp ends dig into my fingers and my palm.
She’s really here, right? She is real. I’m not dreaming, not mixing things up. But what if I am? What if I’m going crazy? How can I be with her?
“What is it?” Her fingers trail over her mouth, her eyes are wide, and fuck, she’s so hot, so sweet, so deep in my thoughts she’s a part of me.
How can I tell her I’m getting worse? That there are things I don’t remember, and they come back to me in flashes? That I’m afraid of my own shadow? That I’ve had more flashbacks in the past couple of months than in the last two years?
And how is it fair to her, to be with someone as fucked-up as me?
“Nothing. I just…” I swallow hard. “Fuck. I need to talk to Seth.”
Hurt crosses her pretty features. God, I wish I could confide in her, but of all people, she’s the last person I’d want to know how messed-up I am. How fucking unstable, exhausted and defeated.
Not even sure what I’m doing. What I’m supposed to do. How to explain.
But before I can say anything else, she lowers her hand from her mouth and nods. “Let’s go find him.”
***
Turns out half the guests at the wedding reception are out looking for me. Holy fucking shit. Figures everyone knows I’m a danger to myself.
Humiliating? Hell, that doesn’t even begin to cover it. I avoid everyone’s eyes as I trudge back inside the house, aware I spoiled Zane and Dakota’s wedding party and pissed at myself.
Because they were right to go out looking for me. I’m a hazard to myself. What if I really had a flashback and got lost in the woods, froze to death out there?
Shit.
At any other time in the recent years I might have said it would be for the best, but not now. Not when Cassie loves me. Not when I have a shot at happiness.
I wanna live. And I wanna get well, fix my fucked-up mind so that I’m not a hazard or a burden to her. So that I have a real chance with her. Waking up next to her, making love to her, putting a smile on her face.
Being with her. Having a future together.
So I swallow the angry words on my tongue, remind myself how grateful I am to have people who care enough to go out in the night looking for me and who only nod when they see me, ask if I’m all right, and don’t try to smash my face into the wall when I reply I only went out for a stroll.
Yeah. Have to remember this. It’s the truth. It’s real, and it’s a goddamn awesome thing. Something I never expected to have again after my mom died. This sense of family, of people who though sometimes annoying, they always have your back.
“Fucker, come here.” That’s Zane, intimidating in his dark suit and silver epaulettes and although we work together almost every day, I flinch back. “Need to talk to you.”
“Look, sorry I threw a wrench into the festivities. Wasn’t on purpose.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, pull on the dreamcatcher, its weight on my ear reassuring.
I didn’t have it before the prison. It’s part of my new life, which means this is now, this is okay.
“Forget about that.” Zane waves a hand dismissively and then gestures for me to follow him.
“I have to talk to Seth.”
“He’s in here.” Zane opens the door to a study and steps inside. “Come in.”