Nothing is as it was. I could go to bed with my vibrator—but that can’t compare to sex with Shane. Or I could grab the bottle of tequila from under the counter—but I’m not my mom. I refuse to be. I won’t let her mold me into a copy of her.
But if Shane doesn’t love me, I need a hand to pull me out of the mire.
So I call Manon and beg for her to come over.
“Look, I know you’re in Seth-heaven, okay?” I’m curled in on myself, on the sofa. “But I need my friend. Just for tonight. Please.”
“Are you okay? Coming down with something?”
Coming down with a nasty case of luv, probably. Can’t she tell? “I don’t know.”
“I’m coming over. I’ll bring ice cream. Set up a movie, and then you tell me all about what happened with Shane.”
She can tell all right, and I’m more thankful that she will ever know.
***
An hour later, wrapped up in soft blankets, with Supernatural reruns playing in the background and a tub of cookie dough ice cream—my favorite—everything should look better.
I’m not sure it does, not even when Manon puts an arm around me and gives me a little shake.
“Spill, girlfriend. What’s the matter? It sounded like a serious low.”
I shrug, put down the ice cream on the table. “Nothing’s the matter. I just didn’t want to be alone tonight.”
“I admit I was a little surprised when you called. I thought you’d be at his place. You’ve been spending a lot of time with that boy. Is everything okay between you?”
“There’s nothing between us.” That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? “We’re not together, Manon.”
“What are you talking about? You spend time together, dance together, kiss, sleep together. You call that nothing?”
“I don’t know. Between the rough sex and him saying nothing, not even when I tell him I love him, what am I supposed to think?”
“Oh, girl…” Now she puts both arms around me and I accept the hug, though it does nothing to ease the hurt. “Boys don’t always say what they feel.”
“I bet Seth told you he loved you from the start.”
“He didn’t. But his actions told me so, only I was too blind to see it for a long time.”
I think about that. What if Shane also gave me hints in his own way? He doesn’t say much, but… He called me when he needed help. Let me hold him. Gave me the key to his apartment. Trusted me enough to tell me his triggers, fight his demons and have sex with me.
“He’s been going through a rough patch. You know it. With his flashbacks getting worse and not sleeping well.”
“I know.” I swallow hard. “I know this isn’t the best time for him. And I will wait. I just need a sign, you know?”
“Sign?”
“That I’m not imagining that he wants me, too. That I’m not forcing myself into his life. That he wants more… More than just sex.”
“Of course there is.”
“How do you know?” I rub at my eyes. “Mom says I should settle for any guy who shows interest, but I don’t want to settle for anything else than real love. The kind that moves mountains and gives birth to families and homes. I want that.”
With Shane.
“Cass… You know he’s seeing a therapist, right? He always refused to go. Because the one he saw in prison just about broke him.”
I nod, my throat closing up. “I know. He told me about that.”