I pretend nothing happened, that I’m not two seconds away from flipping the covers back, grabbing her and sinking into her until she comes so hard she can’t speak. Until I come so hard I can’t think. I pretend that we are just a guy and a pretty girl on their way to becoming friends.
It will have to be enough. No choice. Not for someone like me.
She curls up against me, and when I extend my arm over the pillow, she snuggles closer. Jesus Christ, can’t remember the last time I’ve had a girl in my arms. Not like this. On my bed. By my side.
The girl I’ve been fantasizing about.
I shift again, draw a deep breath of her vanilla scent, and close my eyes, determined to catch some winks despite everything. Despite the silky softness of her hair under my cheek and her warmth along my side.
Yeah, as if. Dammit, I can’t sleep. My head is throbbing in time to my heartbeat.
“Seth?” she whispers.
“Yeah?”
“What about your family? Micah said…” She stops, starts again. “Crap, sorry. It’s none of my business.”
She’s right, it’s not. Automatic defenses rear up, put in place years ago, and I open my mouth to tell her Micah should learn to keep his fucking big mouth shut.
But I don’t.
Roll with the punches, right? Don’t lash out, don’t take the suckage that is life seriously. Despite the call this morning, despite the fact my mom is alive, that she left me to rot behind bars and took off with God knows whom to do God knows what… I don’t.
Besides, I asked first.
I take too long to reply, though, and she starts to sit up.
“I’m sorry,” she says again. “Really am. I shouldn’t poke my nose in other people’s lives. I should go.”
“They’re not dead,” I blurt out. “My parents.”
“Seth…”
“I don’t know my dad,” I say. Need to stop her from leaving, so I draw a deep breath, force out more words. “And for a long time I thought my mom was dead, but I found out today she’s not.”
She stills, her eyes wide.
“It’s like a fairytale gone bad,” I go on, not even sure why I’m spewing everything out. Guess I hope that if I keep talking she’ll stay here and not run away, like she seemed about to do. “My dad is from the Lake Superior Chippewa tribe. Works at the Potawatomi Casino. My mom used to go there often, looking for wealthy men to fuck.” She winces, and I clench my jaw, because the truth ain’t pretty. Like I said. Fairytale gone bad. “She often brought her sister along. They met my dad there one fine day and had a nice little threesome. Nine months later, Shane, and I were born.”
She says nothing, but at least she isn’t moving away, which is a win, because running after her ain’t in the cards with the way my balance is shot to hell right now.
“Was that what you were asking?” I say after long seconds pass with nothing but silence. “If my parents are alive?”
“Yeah.” She’s still sitting rigidly beside me, and I’m so aware of her breathing it’s like there’s nothing else in the world. Nothing and nobody but her and me. “That’s what I was asking.”
I relax a little. Maybe I didn’t fuck this up. I replied to her question. I held it together. “Okay.”
“You said…” She licks her lips, soft, inviting in the dim light. “You really thought your mom was dead until today?”
“Yeah.”
Didn’t tell anyone else about it, not even Shane. I didn’t want to talk about it, think about it. Wanted to forget it, forget everything. She’s dead to me and will always be.
But of course now reality slams back into me, and with it memories I’ve done my best to bury. Betrayal. Shock. Fear. Horror. Anger. Sorrow so bitter it burns.
The police arriving. Finding me unable to move. My mother gone. Everyone gone, leaving me alone.
And now she’s back from the dead, asking for my fucking help.