“What?” Stunned silence follows, then he says, “Tell me you’re joking.”
“And if I’m not?”
More silence.
Then, “What’s happening to you?”
“I might also get a piercing or two. Would you like to see them?”
“Madeline.” A choked sound. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what? What if I decide to pierce my nipples? Do you think that’d be hot?”
“Jesus.”
I’m pushing him. Kind of like when Seth pushed me, made me react. Made me think, and realize things.
“Do you want me, Fred?” I need to know this. “Do you desire me? Do you need me?”
“I really like you.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
“We have time. We can figure this out.”
Christ. I bite on my lip so hard I think I taste blood. “What has you so confused, Fred?”
Looks like I’m not the only one who’s feeling torn here.
“I’m not confused.” He spits the word out like something rotten. “I’m not an asshole. I can take my time with a girl before I have sex with her. Maybe that’s confusing you.”
“What are you saying? That knowing that you want me makes you an asshole? I don’t get you.”
“No! Dammit, Madeline, that’s not what I meant.”
“Do you want me or not? Do you get excited when you think of me? Of seeing me, touching me, kissing me?”
“Of course I do. This whole conversation is absurd. Look, we can talk another time.”
Really? I’m close to cursing him, or howling my frustration into the phone, when he hangs up.
What in the world?
I throw the covers off me and grab my clothes from the chair by the bed. Suddenly I know what I must do: I have to see Fred. Have to test this in person. My imagination is unreliable. My memory, too. I bet he isn’t too skinny or too fair, or too anything just because I keep comparing him to Seth.
A bad habit. I should stop.
Have to stare into Fred’s eyes, put my hands on his body, find out if I want him, if I’m still attracted to him.
If he wants me.
If we fit together, if we’re destined to be, or if it all was a distorted image of me and him together—a fake impression that’s stuck in my mind.
***
Fred’s not in his dorm room. His roommate, who’s apparently the same Brandon he’s been rehearsing with, opens the door for me, introduces himself and tells me Fred hasn’t been in all day.
“You’re mistaken,” I say, trying to see past him. “He called me from here half an hour ago.”