Confessing to the nice doctor that Miles accused me of not caring for him isn’t something I wanna do. Besides, I don’t know her.
Someone knocks on the door. Charlie pokes his head in. “Hey.”
“Hey,” I say, relieved. Family, of sorts, has arrived. He and Kate have been the relatives I never met. They’ve stood by me ever since Mom left, and Dad began his long slide down. “Thanks for coming.”
“Your father?” the doctor asks, and I don’t reply.
“Charlie, can you stay with Teo while I go look for Miles some more?” I’m already moving toward the door, and Teo whimpers, stopping me cold. “Oh, fuck.”
“I’ll look for Miles,” Charlie offers, and I consider that.
Miles thinks I don’t care for him as much as I care for Teo. Maybe because Teo is younger, and has been sick so often, I’ve spent more time fussing over him than Miles? I didn’t pay much attention, but without Mom and Dad, I’m all Miles has, and it looks like I’ve let him down.
“No, I’ll look for him,” I say and turn back to stroke Teo’s hair. He’s been given antibiotics and something for the fever. “I’ll be back soon, okay?” I tell him. “I’m going to bring Miles back.”
And I leave before I change my mind again.
As I hurry through the maze of corridors and halls and rooms, I call out Miles’s name and ignore the curious looks of nurses, doctors and patients.
“Miles! Come out, buddy.” My steps drag. I keep seeing Teo on the cot, flushed with fever, waiting for me to return. Thinking I abandoned him, too. “Come on, you dork. I’m tired, Miles, don’t make me look for you all night. Miles!”
Where is he hiding? Did something happen to him? Jesus.
I’ve fucked this up. See, I knew I’m not parent material. That I can’t replace my parents. But, damn, my parents aren’t parent material either, and in any case, what other choice is there? I’m sorry I’m all my brothers have and wish they’d get a better brother than me, someone who knows what he’s doing. Someone who can keep calm at all times, keep a good job, knows how to take good care of them and how to make them feel wanted and secure.
Yeah, I’m sorry I’m all they got, but I’m not giving up on them.
A while later, I’m wandering through a part of the building I’ve never seen before, past labs and common areas with soft drink and snack dispensers, when I hear quick steps behind me. I stop and turn but see nobody. When I resume walking, the steps start again.
The hell? I continue, slowing down, then round the corner and stop. As I turn around, I see Miles, hands in his pockets. His eyes widen, and he takes a step back.
Oh no, you don’t. In two strides, I grab his arm. He flails, and when I raise my other hand, he flinches.
Dammit.
“Christ, Miles,” I say, exasperated and honest-to-God exhausted, “what are you doing? Where the hell have you been?”
He frowns. “Am I grounded?”
“No, you’re not grounded, Miles.” Something in his expression makes me lean closer. “What’s the matter? What do you want?”
“I want you to notice I’m here!” he shouts and tries to break free of my hold, but I’m having none of it. “I’m not sick, but I’m here, too!”
Fuck. Horrified, I stare at him. I really did let him down. He really thinks I don’t care. “Miles…”
He tries again to break free, half-heartedly, and tears slip from his eyes.
I drop to my knees. I’m wrecked to know I caused him such pain. “You’re my brother, Miles. I don’t love Teo better. I love you both the same. I care for you more than anything.”
“What about those kids that beat me up on the way home…” His voice hitches. “Why won’t you stop them?”
“I’m sorry. I’ll find a way to get you home safe. I’m so sorry, buddy.”
I pull him into my arms, and he cries on my shoulder, soft, broken sobs that tear me apart. As I pat his back, I think how complicated love is—between siblings, between men and women. Between humans.
“I’ll take care of you,” I go on. “I promise. I’ll make it up to you.”
Miles quietens and eventually draws back and smiles at me. As the weight of guilt lifts off my shoulders, I think how precious that smile is and how I wish I could put one on Tessa’s face, too.