Bad Ideas (First & Forever 4)

When he saw me, he exclaimed, “Hi, Casey! JoJo told me it’s your birthday, so like, happy birthday and stuff!”

“Thanks. Technically it was yesterday, since it’s after midnight.” I put the plate on the counter and opened the refrigerator. I was starving since I hadn’t eaten anything during my dinner break, but cooking seemed like way too much effort.

“That doesn’t matter. You haven’t gone to bed yet, so it’s still your birthday.” Lark’s big, brown eyes shifted to the slice of cake, and he asked, “Are you going to eat that?”

“Nope, it’s all yours.”

“Wow, thanks!” Lark peeled back the plastic wrap and tucked in with the serving spoon. He was a small guy with a slim build, and he clearly had the metabolism of a hummingbird. It was the only way he could eat like he did and still look like that.

Yolanda and JoJo joined us in the kitchen, just as the purple kettle on the stove started whistling. JoJo plucked it off the burner and poured the steaming water into a pair of waiting mugs. As the teabags bobbed to the surface, she asked, “Would anyone else like some tea?” Lark and I both declined.

Even assembling a sandwich seemed like too much effort, so I ended up dumping some cereal and milk into a large, plastic bowl. Then I grabbed a spoon, said goodnight to everyone, and went upstairs. I just didn’t have it in me to stick another smile on my face and chat.

After I ate at the desk in my room, I took a shower in the shared bathroom at the end of the hall and put on a T-shirt and pajama pants. Sleep was still a long way off, so I got comfortable on the built-in window seat.

My bedroom was at the front of the house, which meant it had the same rainbow-striped curtains as all the windows facing the street. Between them and the huge Pride flag that hung above the front porch, the pink Victorian was a great, big beacon of queerness, and I loved that. Growing up, I’d believed I had to hide who I was. No wonder this house felt liberating.

I pushed aside the curtains and looked out at the street. Unlike the section with all the bars, this part of the Mission was perfectly still. That meant there wasn’t much to look at, but I settled in anyway and kept my gaze on the view as my mind wandered.

Another birthday was in the books, and I felt a little disappointed. That was ridiculous though, because the whole day had gone exactly as planned. I’d told myself I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, and that I wanted it to feel like any other day. Well, mission accomplished.

I sighed and lightly thumped my forehead against the windowpane. I hated this. The last thing I wanted was to feel sorry for myself, but I seemed to have been doing a lot of that lately. Yolanda was right, I’d been sad and lonely ever since the two most important people in my life became a couple, but it was time to shake it off and move on.

What I really needed was to start dating, or at least having sex. It had been a while—longer than I cared to admit, actually.

Eden had spent most of the last fifteen years—which was how long we’d been friends, and almost how long I’d had a crush on him—in long-term relationships with women. While he was doing that, I’d made occasional half-assed attempts at dating. I’d told myself I was just biding my time until Eden was single and I could make a play for him, but I was beginning to realize the truth was more complicated than that.

I was still trying to work out how much of that crush had been real, and how much I’d just built him up as a fantasy—one that definitely had served a purpose. As long as I told myself he was what I really wanted, I’d had the perfect excuse for avoiding real relationships and never committing to anyone.

Now it was time to stop living in the past and look to the future. I grabbed my phone, pulled up the first gay dating app that came to mind, and clicked on “new account.” I couldn’t believe I was actually doing this, since it was totally outside my comfort zone. But at least I was taking a step forward, and that was something.

Chapter 2

The next morning, I started my day by walking five blocks to the gym and working out for two hours, which I did six days a week. Some people centered themselves with meditation. I did it by lifting weights. I loved all of it—the routine, the repetitions, the ongoing challenge to do more and push harder. Nothing cleared my head the way a good workout did.