Bad Ideas (First & Forever 4)

“Yeah, no thanks. He’s a nice kid, but he couldn’t be less my type if he tried.”

Seth frowned and repeated, “Kid? He’s a year older than I am.”

“But he acts like he’s twelve. I’m being generous with that number.”

“I see your point. I was just thinking…”

“What?”

“That it’d be good for you to try dating again. It’s been a while.” Over two years, actually. I was glad he didn’t feel the need to spell that out.

“I am.” I pulled my phone from the pocket of my gray hoodie, as if that was proof of the effort I was making. “I joined a dating site. Kind of. It actually seems to be geared more toward hooking up, but that’s okay, too.”

He seemed surprised. “I’m glad you’ve decided to get back out there, but I’m not sure if a hook-up app is the best approach. You’re not a one-night stand kind of guy.”

“That was the old me. This is new Casey, version thirty-three-point-oh. Who knows what he’s capable of?”

My brother seemed skeptical, but he smiled at me and said, “Well, cool. Good luck with that. I hope it works out well for you.”

“Yeah, me too.”

After we said goodbye, I slid behind the wheel and waited until my brother was gone before pulling up the app. Surprisingly, I had seventeen messages. That was probably thanks to the gym selfie I’d posted. In it, I was dressed in a tank top and shorts, and I was wearing a baseball cap and had my head tilted down, so my face wasn’t visible—just to maintain a bit of privacy. I didn’t think I was anything special, but I worked hard for those muscles, and using them to draw attention to my profile had apparently been the right call.

Instead of feeling excited by all those possibilities, my stomach knotted with nerves. But come on—I’d literally been wishing for sex, and here was my opportunity, seventeen times over. So what if I didn’t love the idea of going to bed with a stranger? It was time to shake things up a little.

I spent a minute browsing through my in-box, and it was disappointing. There were mostly just dick pics and generic messages that didn’t say much more than, “Come over and fuck me.” I knew I had to get out there and try to resuscitate my flatlining sex life. But I also didn’t have to decide on any of these men right this minute, so I returned the phone to my pocket and started the engine.

I’d promised George I’d go straight to the bank, so that was what I did. The check was a little ragged from being carried around in my wallet for a month. I expected the teller to say something about the huge amount, since it was for twenty-five thousand dollars—more money than I ever thought I’d have at one time. But he accepted it without batting an eye.

On the way back to the car, I stared at the balance on my receipt in disbelief. Once I paid off my student loans, I’d still have about six grand left. I wanted to honor George’s request and use it on something that would make me happy, but I had no idea what that was.

Treating myself was a pretty unfamiliar concept. Even though I was making a good income now, that wasn’t what I was used to. I’d only finished nursing school a few months ago, and before that all my adult life had been spent living paycheck to paycheck. A treat meant buying a pizza and beer on a Friday night, not a six thousand dollar…whatever.

That seemed pathetic to me. Not that I wanted to be materialistic or anything, but didn’t most people have a wish list? It didn’t have to be stuff, either—it could be a trip somewhere, or an experience they’d been looking forward to, or just…something.

When I really thought about it, all I could come up with were a new pair of sneakers, since mine were starting to fall apart, and maybe tickets to a Forty-Niners game—which I could have actually afforded before this windfall.

I started to ask myself when my life had become so narrow, but the answer was obvious—it always had been. I’d only done two big things in my life—I’d agreed to come with Eden when he decided to move to San Francisco, and I’d finally selected a career and made it happen by going back to school. Other than that, I just sort of plodded along in my comfort zone, never asking for much and expecting even less.

After a while, I realized I was loitering in the bank parking lot, so I got in the car and drove down the block. Then I spotted a drug store and abruptly pulled to the curb. Once inside, I grabbed a shopping basket and went and found the condom section.