Bad Ideas (First & Forever 4)

“Apparently you’re about to turn over a new leaf, though.” Yolanda’s dark eyes sparkled with amusement. “Can I ask what’s up with all the condoms?”

I sighed and slumped in my seat. “It was stupid to get so many. I’ll never use them all before they expire.” I took my phone from the pocket of my jeans, pulled up my profile on the dating app, and leaned over the coffee table to hand it to her. “I decided to actively do something about my total lack of a sex life. I’m planning to reply to one of the guys who messaged me and arrange a meet-up after the party tonight.”

Yolanda put down her wine glass and grinned. “Good for you, Casey. This seems entirely out of character, but I applaud you for shaking things up a bit.” She tapped the screen a couple of times and asked, “Why’d you use a photo where you’re hiding your face? You’re cute.”

“Because it would feel really weird if someone recognized me from that app. I can just imagine being at work and having, like, Joe Blow from administration say, ‘hey, Casey, I saw you trying to get laid on that hookup site!’ I’d prefer keeping my sex life a lot more private than that.”

“I get the privacy thing. But if somebody recognized you, that’d mean he was on the same site. Maybe you two could have some fun. You might even hit it off, and it could turn into something more than a hookup.”

“And then fictitious Joe and I would both be fired,” I pointed out, “because Cal West has that lovely, antiquated rule that prohibits employees from dating.”

She clicked her tongue. “Cock blocked by your employer. So sad.” Then she turned her attention back to the phone and said, “You have thirty-four messages, you big stud. Mind if I take a look at who contacted you?”

“Go ahead, but be forewarned. It’s wall-to-wall peen.”

She shrugged as she scrolled through the messages. “I’m a nurse. I’ve seen it all.” After a moment, she held the phone at arm’s length and exclaimed, “I stand corrected! That is an abnormally large dong. Is that appealing to gay guys? Because something like that is just going to wreck you for days.”

I took the phone from her and frowned at the enormous cock on my screen. “Some guys are size queens, so I’ll bet that guy’s popular.”

Lark came thundering down the stairs just then, calling, “Who’s a size queen? Casey?”

“No, definitely not. I’m predominantly a top, so I don’t really care what a guy’s packing.”

He came up behind me and leaned over the back of the chair. When he saw the big dick on my screen he said, “Oh, are you going out with Larry? He’s nice.”

“Wait, you know this guy?”

Yolanda added incredulously, “And you recognized him by his cock?”

Lark explained, “He’s a local celebrity. You can see why. He’s done some porn, and he shows up at the gay bars when they’re having contests like Mr. Tighty Whitey, or whatever. Needless to say, he usually wins.”

Yolanda looked even more amused. “Well, congrats, Casey. One day in the world of online hookups, and you’re already drawing celebrities to your profile.”

Lark sat down on the coffee table. He really seemed to have something against chairs. “Which sites did you join? Tinder? Grindr? I have opinions on both.”

“No, just this one that’s based here in San Francisco.”

“That’s a good one for quick hookups,” he said. “Can I see your profile?”

I handed over the phone with the disclaimer, “I didn’t spend a lot of time on it or anything.”

“Nobody does. Everyone signs up when they’re horny, types one sentence, snaps a photo of their junk, and waits for the messages to roll in,” he said, not looking up from the screen. “You know, you should make it clear that you’re a top in your profile. Then you’ll get more photos of butts and fewer cocks. Posting a dick pic would make it clearer, too.”

I muttered, “This feels like such a weird way to select a sex partner. What about the person attached to the dick?”

He glanced at me. “If you’re looking for a real connection, you’re in the wrong place.”

Kel strolled into the living room just then with the chinch in one hand and a glass of water in the other and asked, “Who’s in what wrong place?”

“Casey. He made a profile on a hook-up site, and we’re trying to give him some tips,” Lark told him.

“Not we,” Yolanda said with a grin. “I have nothing to contribute to this conversation. I met my girlfriend the old fashioned way, by hitting on her in a bar.”

“Okay, so I was trying to give him some tips,” Lark clarified. “I was saying that’s really not the place to find love.”

Kel turned to me with a sweet smile. “Aw, are you looking for love, Casey?”