Bad Ideas (First & Forever 4)

“For the record, I’ve never actually taken a bath with anybody, either. I saw it in a movie once and thought it looked romantic. Good thing you have an enormous tub, though. Otherwise, there’s no way we’d both fit.”

He asked, “What movie were you watching with a romantic bath?”

“Okay, so maybe it was porn and they were fucking in the tub. It really did seem romantic, though.”

He grinned and said, “Yeah, you know, when I watch porn, I’m always struck by how romantic it is.”

I grinned, too. “I’m not saying all porn is romantic, but I know I’ve seen some that qualifies.”

“How can I tell if it’s regular porn or romantic porn?”

“Check for a candle. If there’s one burning, it’s romantic. That’s true for real life, too. Eating pizza with your man? Regular. Eating pizza with your man and a lit candle? Big time romance.”

Theo chuckled at that. “Good tip. I should be writing this down. Also, I should have lit a few candles to go with the bath. But if it wasn’t already obvious, I have zero experience with this kind of thing and absolutely no idea what I’m doing.”

“I don’t, either.”

“Come on. You must have dated so many men.”

I shrugged and said, “Not really. I mean, I dated a few guys here and there, but it was never anything serious.”

“So, you were just into random hookups?”

“No, not at all. Before you, the last time I had sex was over two years ago,” I admitted. “Funnily enough, I finally decided to try a hookup app a few days ago. Then you and I got together, and I deleted it without ever actually meeting anyone.”

He sat up a bit and met my gaze. “Why would a man as gorgeous as you go through such a long dry spell? Unless it was intentional, I guess, like a vow of celibacy or something.”

“I spent a lot of years pining for my ‘straight’ best friend, who turned out to actually be demisexual and in love with my brother.”

“Oh. Well, shit.”

“Why do you look annoyed?”

“Because I didn’t realize you were on the rebound until just this minute,” he said, as he climbed out of the tub and reached for a towel.

“I’m not on the rebound. I swear.”

“But you told me they only got together a couple of months ago, so this is all really recent.”

“It is recent, and it felt like a kick in the teeth when they first got together. But I’ve realized a lot of things since then.” I sat up and rested my arms on the edge of the tub. “The thing is, Eden was really just an excuse.”

Theo stopped drying off and clutched the towel in front of him as he asked, “What do you mean?”

“As long as I convinced myself I was in love with my unavailable best friend, it was like a get out of relationships free card. I could tell myself that was why things never worked out with any of the men I dated. But really, I’d pick men who were totally wrong for me, make a half-assed attempt at dating them, and then blame it on my crush on Eden. Somehow, that was easier than admitting to myself I was too immature for a real relationship. For the record though, I’ve grown up a lot since my last attempt at dating anyone.”

“When did you realize all of this?”

“Sometime after I found out Eden and Seth had fallen in love. At first, I assumed my negative reaction to them getting together was because I’d loved Eden forever, and now he’d never be mine. But later on, I realized that wasn’t why I was upset.

“The real fear was that I’d lose both of them. I still worry about it. It’s not just that I feel like a third wheel. I’m worried I don’t really have a place in their lives anymore.

“So, that was my big epiphany—I didn’t resent Seth for ending up with Eden, and the pain I was feeling wasn’t from unrequited love. It was from things changing when I really didn’t want them to.”

Theo considered that for a few moments. Then he sat on the edge of the tub with the towel on his lap and started finger-combing my wet hair. “I can see the truth in that,” he said, after a while.

“That’s good. I’d hate it if you thought this was just some rebound thing.”

“It doesn’t really explain why you were celibate for that long, though.”

“I started to avoid sex, because it was always with people I didn’t really care about, and who didn’t care about me,” I said. “Afterwards, I’d just feel empty, or worse. Sometimes I felt like I’d just used them to get off, or that they’d used me. Eventually, I decided the payoff wasn’t worth all the negative stuff that came with it.