Bad Ideas (First & Forever 4)

I whispered, “Oh god.”

“It was hard to process that loss at such a young age. One day, we were fine. And just like that, everything changed. We were living in Ohio—that’s where we were born—and a few days after the accident a social worker sent us to a grandmother we’d never met in Florida. We were only with her for about six months before she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She’d been a smoker all her life and refused to quit even after her diagnosis. At that point, she decided she couldn’t look after us and gave up custody.

“Then they sent us to an aunt who we’d also never met, here in the Bay Area. That only lasted a couple of months. She was a single mom with four kids of her own, and it was just too overwhelming for her to look after us, too. When she relinquished custody, there were no more relatives to pawn us off on, so we went into the system.

“Freddie and I spent the next six years bouncing around to different foster homes. The one good thing was that our social worker always insisted on keeping us together. She used to say, ‘Teddy and Freddie are two halves of a whole, and we’re not breaking them up.’ I’m so grateful for that.” He exhaled and said, “Anyway, you know the rest of the story from that point.”

“No wonder it’s hard for you to open up to people after all of that.”

He sat up and pushed his hair out of his eyes. “I guess so. I wasn’t the most open person to begin with, but it’s impossible to know what I would have been like if things had been different.”

“Thank you for telling me all of this.”

“You’re really easy to talk to, and…well, I haven’t had anyone who was willing to listen to me in a long time. It actually feels good to drag this stuff out into the light of day. When things are left in the dark too long, they start to seem bigger than they really are.”

“I know what you mean.”

He glanced at me and said, “In case you’re wondering, I’ve been in therapy several times—not always by choice, like when I was a teenager in that group home. I wouldn’t call it a success.” He brought up a smile and tried to lighten the mood by saying, “I’m sure my coworkers wouldn’t call it a success, either.”

“For all you’ve been through, I think you’re an absolute miracle. You could have let all of that pain and anger destroy you. Instead, you used it as fuel to get an education, and then you dedicated your life to helping children.”

He stood up and gently caressed my cheek as he said, “Don’t try to make me sound like a hero, Casey. I didn’t escape unscathed. In fact, I’m a huge mess now. I keep everyone at arm’s length, because I’m too afraid to let anyone in. When I’m not at work with all my emotions shut down so I can get through the day, I live in an isolated world of my own design, where I still dress and act like I did when I was fifteen years old.”

I stood up too and drew him into my arms. “You’re selling yourself short. I’m proof of that.”

He whispered, “I’m fucking terrified you’re going to get taken from me. That’s what happened to every single person I ever cared about.”

“I can see why it’s scary after all you’ve been through, but look at you, Theo. You’re opening yourself up and letting me in, and I’m so proud of you for being willing to take a chance on us.”

He tried to laugh as he let go of me and took a step back. “I feel emotional every time you tell me you’re proud of me. Also, what is it about today that’s making our conversations turn to such serious topics?”

“We’ve never spent time together like this before or had such a long, in-depth conversation,” I said. “We’re finally getting to know each other, and I guess it made sense to start at the beginning.”

He nodded, but he seemed a little overwhelmed by all he’d just shared. His eyes were pleading as he reached out and took my hand. “Can we go pick out a Christmas tree? I’m curious to see what we’ll find back there.”

Since he clearly needed to move the conversation back onto neutral ground, I smiled at him and said, “Lead the way.” He held my hand tightly, and the wagon rattled behind us over the gravel path as we made our way to the back of the nursery.

“This is amazing. I’ve never seen a portable forest before,” I murmured, as we wandered among the potted oaks and palms, maples and aspen, junipers and spruce. There was no rhyme or reason to any of it. Tiny saplings lived beside trees that were two stories tall.