The Beginning (The Life 1)

I’ve learned, too, that when a woman gets violated the way Ma was, it’s not something that can ever be forgotten. It’s like a wound that never fully heals. You don’t have to check the wound every day, but you must check every once in a while to make sure that it hasn’t been reopened. That’s the way he treats her. If I had a future, I’d want to treat my woman the same.

“Okay, now that we’re back on the same page, I’ll let you get back to it. I need all the details about this tea party.” I rubbed both their heads the way they pretend to no longer like to let them know I was no longer angry and left the room. I stopped by Gianna’s room just to check on her to make sure she didn’t need anything.

After getting no response from my soft knock, I cracked the door open to find her sleeping in that jacked-up position again, like she was ready to take flight at the slightest provocation. There was one difference tonight, though; she had the headphones on with the iPod lying next to her. I walked over to have a look, and sure enough, she had my song on repeat.

I stood there; I don’t know for how long, just looking down at her trying to come to terms with the decisions I’ve been making since we met, wondering once again if I was the right one for the job. Asleep, she looks even more helpless than awake, something that tugged at my heartstrings, making it even harder to walk away if I were so inclined.

Maybe that’s why I crawled into bed with her. Not with any malicious intent. I just wanted to be there, next to her, in case she needed me. She’d sighed a lot in her sleep the night before while tossing and turning, keeping me between sleep and wake, so I wasn’t expecting tonight to be any different. I laid there listening to her breathe while watching her face in sleep. Not exactly at peace, but there was maybe one less crease in her brow as she fought whatever demons chased her in her dreams.

I must’ve been tired because my eyes grew heavy within minutes, and I was out. It felt like only seconds had gone by when something made me stir again. I didn’t know what flung me awake at first, so I just did my usual, kept my eyes closed while using my senses to check for any danger.

My own body, it was my body’s reaction to her nearness that had awakened me. Sometime after I fell asleep, she’d climbed on top of me again, her leg thrown over my most sensitive and now rather alert member. Once I came fully awake and assessed the situation, I almost broke my neck, hopping out of bed with her.

I felt slightly disgusted with myself even though it hadn’t been intentional. There’s a line that I won’t ever cross with any female, and right now, it felt like I’d skirted pretty close. I tore my eyes away from her as I turned to leave the room, the discomfort a stark reminder of why this was a bad idea.

I found myself leaning against the wall again, waiting for my cock to go the hell down, but nothing was working, not even the breathing exercises that would usually allow me to control my body. I gritted my teeth against the pain and pulled away from the wall to head to my room.

At eighteen, I can honestly say this was my first experience with this uncomfortable shit, and I hope it’s the last. I knew there was supposed to be discomfort in situations like this, but I never expected it to be excruciating. What’s more surprising, my self-control was for shit. I can still smell her, feel the warmth of her much slighter form pressed up against me. Soft; she’s soft and feminine, and the power of my need is scaring the shit out of me.

A cold shower might help, but I was not in the mood to get wet. It would be great if I could figure out how the hell to get out of my own skin. I knew the thing that was bothering me most was the fact that I’d overstepped. In my mind and heart, I just wanted to take care of her, not add more bullshit to her already torturous life.

Disgust rode me hard, and I left my room again when nothing worked to get my body back under control. Even though I’d taken myself out of there and away from her, her essence refused to leave me.

Not that I was afraid that I’d do something reprehensible, but because of what she’s coming to mean to me, just the idea that I can have these wanton feelings towards her without her even knowing it felt wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into her bed without her consent.