“You know I’m going to miss this,” I comment and wish I hadn’t. I know she already feels guilty about leaving me here while she takes off living out her dreams.
“It’s not like I’ll be gone forever,” she chides, the bag of sour cream and onion chips crinkling in her hands.
With an audible inhale, I tell her she better not be.
I center the flowers on my countertop and riffle through the pile of mail, grimacing at the bill I’ve been avoiding, the one stamped red. “Ah, fuck it, I’ll deal with it on Monday.” I toss the mail back onto the counter, feeling free of it. Bills can wait for one more day. I want to savor this time with Lydia. It’s going to go so fast. “Why do you have to leave me again?”
“College.”
“Right, right, right.” I grin at her to cover up the ache in my heart. “The whole doing better for yourself and all that,” I joke.
I laugh at her and she fake laughs at me back until we’re both actually laughing. I’m going to miss her so much. She’s been the only constant in my life for so long. But it’s what’s best for her. She’s going to be a doctor one day.
“So …” The tone of the conversation shifts with that one word and I’m on alert again. I stare her down, but she stares into the red of her glass, her fingers fiddling with the skinny and tall stem. “You feeling okay with Cillian getting out soon?”
My stomach drops at the casual question. I’m frozen with my glass at my lips, ready to take another sip. Finally I do it just so I can complete the movement, then put it back down on the countertop. I don’t taste a thing. “I didn’t know Cill was getting out. No one told me.”
Lydia’s dark eyes go wide and then narrow. “But he’s staying with you?” She makes the statement almost like it’s a question.
“What?”
“That’s what Reed said. He couldn’t convince him otherwise.” My head falls back with disbelief. He was just here. Standing right where she is.
“What?” Pure nerves crush into my stomach. “When did he tell you that?”
“Last week,” she answers nervously. “How didn’t he tell you?”
“How didn’t anyone tell me?” I respond, pushing my wine away.
“Cillian is coming here?” Emotions swarm through me, making every thought harder to focus on.
“I swear to God that’s what he said. He came in and—”
“Reed came in?” I interrupt her to clarify and while she’s rushing out an explanation of what happened, panic takes over.
All I can see is Cillian, standing in this small rental, taking up every inch of the place and staring back at me with his sharp blue eyes, asking why I stopped coming, why I stopped calling. My body goes cold and I can barely hear a word Lydia says.
You stopped calling too, I can already hear myself answering.
And his imagined answer makes my fingers go numb: ’Cause you stopped loving me, Hellcat.
“Are you okay?”
“What?” I snap out of it and have to wipe under my eyes.
“I’m so sorry, Kat,” Lydia says and rushes over to me but I put a hand up, stopping her.
“I’m fine.”
“I should have told you the second Reed said something but I just assumed you didn’t bring it up ’cause—”
“I’m fine,” I repeat, hardening my voice and she’s silenced by it.
“I should have told you.”
“Do you know when?” I ask her, not bothering with should haves and could haves.
Staying with me. That means staying here, in this tiny house. The one that’s meant to be a bridge away from the past. No one said a word to me. Not Reed. Not Lydia. I had no idea.
“I’m not sure … soon, though. In order to be released, he needs a place to stay. Reed didn’t tell you anything?”
“No.” No one told me anything. “Don’t I—don’t I need to sign something for that?”
“Well, Reed helped you get this place, right?” The chair protests against the floor as she takes her seat again, holding the glass with both hands.
“Yeah.” I needed someone to cosign with me. Fucking Reed. If he were here, I’d lay into him. How could he do that, knowing what happened?
A voice answers all on its own. If Cill told him to make it happen, he’d do it.
I nearly voice the thought; instead I swallow it down with another large gulp.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to say. I feel numb and light-headed, like I might pass out any second. “He’s coming home and he didn’t tell me. He’s coming here and Reed didn’t tell me.”
“Everyone’s been keeping secrets,” Lydia murmurs, and she gives me a look full of sorrow before taking a swig. “You want me to stay with you?”
I whisper, “Yeah. Can you just stay ’til I fall asleep?”