She glances at the door. “We shouldn’t have this conversation here. If you want to talk, we should go home.”
“I’m not going home until you tell me why you thought it was better to cheat on me than wait just one more year.” My pulse races. “You stayed through the hardest shit. Even when my father died …” I’m losing my shit, and I know it. Emotions surge through me and make me want to punch something, or fuck something. It blew a hole through my chest to hear about her and Reed. I’m not going to spend another second sitting nicely at the dinner table while she keeps this secret from me. Hiding it does even more damage.
“I just don’t think—”
“Why, Kat? Why did you do it? I was in prison, I lost my father.” I can’t help that my voice raises as I pound a fist to my chest. “I deserve an explanation.”
Kat snaps, the fire coming back into her eyes. She digs her fingernails into the tablecloth. “You were angry,” she says, her voice shaking with emotion. “Everyone hated me, and I lost them. I lost everyone.”
“There’s no way they hated you,” I tell her, but I’m not sure. I don’t know. I wasn’t there, because I was in prison. I should have been by her side.
“Your father is the only one that still accepted me at Cavanaugh. He was there when my father left.” Her voice tightens and she takes in a heavy breath before continuing. “And you were so angry and hateful and turning into someone I didn’t recognize.” Her voice drops. My hellcat is beautiful when she’s pissed like this and all her angry energy is focused on me. Tears glisten on her cheeks but they’re not a sign of weakness. It’s like she’s crying broken glass and doesn’t care. “And I just wanted to be held for a moment. I wanted someone to say I wasn’t crazy and that it was going to be okay, and you—you—”
She shakes her head, pulling back. The blaze in her eyes becomes less heated.
“You had too much, it was too heavy and I couldn’t hold any more, Cill. We got into that fight–”
“It was one fight—” I argue back. I remember it well. I raised my voice at her. I vented. I took my anger out on her. I know I did. I apologized a hundred times, but I know I lost her that day. How could I have possibly kept her? I was fucking locked in a cage. I couldn’t make it right.
“It wasn’t just a fight. It was me realizing I couldn’t help you anymore.”
“So we got in one fight and you–”
“You’re not listening,” she says, cutting me off, her anger blistering between us. This … this is what I know. The woman here I know how to handle.
“I needed you. I couldn’t have you.”
“So you went to Reed?”
“He came to me … and I couldn’t say no, because I needed someone to love me. I’m sorry”
“I never stopped loving you.”
“It wasn’t your fault. I’m not saying that.” She’s on edge, barely containing herself. “I’m sorry.” She’s at war with her anger and I’ve been here before with this woman. Only then she didn’t hold back, she let me have it. Which is exactly what I deserved.
“Kat, I never stopped loving you.”
“I love you, Cill. I’ve always loved you. I was just so lost and upset. And so damn alone.”
“Come here.”
I pull her into my lap and kiss her. I can taste her tears on her lips, but as soon as her mouth is on mine she’s fully my hellcat again. I taste her like I haven’t had the chance for four years. I kiss her like we might not have another chance when we walk out of here. Kat pulls back and I let out a sigh. It feels like I’ve been holding it in for my entire life.
“What was that?” she questions.
“My hellcat just came back to me.” I put my hands on the small of her back and hold her closer. “Hit me.”
“What?”
“Hit me, Kat.” She puts her hands on my shoulders instead. “Curse me out. Do whatever you need to, but don’t you dare leave me.”
She laughs and wipes away her tears. “Where would I go, Cill?”
“Anywhere you wanted.”
“It wouldn’t matter,” she tells me. “You’re in my head, and in my heart. You’d still be with me. Except I wouldn’t have you to talk to, and that would be hell. I know it would be, because it was hell when you went away.”
“It was hell for both of us.”
“You were fucking stupid to take the fall and say it was yours.” There she is. That’s my hellcat. I’m so damn relieved she’s back. She would call me out back then, and I want her to do it now. “Possession and distribution. You should have kept your mouth shut and not said it was yours.”