Love Me Again, Cowboy

He dumped me.

He broke me.

And I remember Jax’s embrace is the least safe place for me. I push him back. “I’m fine,” I say, creating distance.

The wind kicks up again around us.

He lifts his hands in surrender. “Sorry. You weren’t a moment ago. I was only trying to help.”

“Well, don’t,” I snap, knowing I’m not being fair. “I don't need your help. And I definitely don’t need to be in your arms.” I swipe a hand through the air. “Ever.” It’s too painful. I want to scream at him, It reminds me of what we had, of what you threw away.

And that’s when the first fat raindrops fall onto our heads.

Jaxon stares at me with a defeated expression, the rain kicking up between us.

“We can’t climb down until the storm passes,” he finally says. “We need to find shelter.”

I rub my arms and nod, not trusting myself to speak again.

He looks around us. “There’s an old hunting shed not too far from here.” He walks west and I follow. The rain increases until it’s a downpour. Lightning strikes nearby, followed by thunder that reverberates to my bones. We’re now jogging, our clothes soaked. All the while, my emotions are just as crazy from the storm in my mind as the one raging around us.

Why did I think I could possibly be professional where Jax is concerned? No amount of acting can erase the pain that he caused me. I thought I was over it, but it’s obvious that I never really got over Jax. Being close to him again—his eyes, his arms, his scent—all of it carries memories of the happiest time of my life, which ended in my greatest suffering. I’m such a fool.

Jax suddenly stops and whirls on me. I halt in front of him. His eyes are a thunder of emotion. “Why did you stand me up?” he asks. “Tell me straight out.”

My face flushes with heat, despite the cool drops of rain falling on it. As if he has any right to question me. After everything he put me through. “Because you cheated on me and left me for another woman,” I yell, finally deciding that this is the moment, the moment that I won’t hold back. I’ll tell Jaxon Wyle everything that’s been drowning my thoughts. “I know it was eight years ago, but I only found out yesterday why you broke up with me through text.” I take a step forward, my anger propelling me. “And that’s another thing. You dumped me through a text—a text, Jax! You know how messed up that is? It was as if what we had meant so little to you that you didn’t even feel I deserved the respect of telling me face-to-face that you didn’t want me anymore.” I wipe both water and hot tears from my face.

He stares at me for a moment, looking confused. “I never cheated on you, Malia.” He shakes his head. “Never.” He takes a step closer, his eye imploring me. “You were everything to me. I’ve never looked at another woman the same since you came into my life. I still don’t. And the reason I broke up with you through text is because I knew if I saw you, I wouldn’t go through with it. I knew that one look at you, and I would beg you to never leave me.”

His words don’t make sense. I’m more confused than ever. “What?”

“The week before we were supposed to leave, my ex-girlfriend approached me wanting to talk. I told her we had nothing to discuss, that I was with you and leaving for California in a week. But the morning we were supposed to go, she came to the ranch and . . .” He takes a steadying breath like this next part is hard for him and looks me in the eyes. “Malia, she told me she was five months pregnant with my child.”

Pregnant? An invisible fist wraps around my chest, and a chill runs over my body while the rain continues to soak through my clothes. I wrap my arms around myself, feeling small against something as big as new life.

Jax wipes rainwater from his face and continues. “She wanted money for an abortion, but I could never live with myself if I didn’t take responsibility for the life I’d helped to create. So, I begged her to give birth to the baby so that I could raise her.”

I stare at him, my mind racing. I think about the timing. Jax and I met at the beginning of summer and were supposed to leave in September. I know that he and his ex broke up the same day we met. That means she was definitely pregnant before they broke up. He didn’t break up with me because he stopped loving me or because I wouldn’t sleep with him. He broke up with me because he learned he was going to be a father.

Jax sighs. “I couldn’t put all that on you, not when you had dreams of your own that didn’t include a baby. So, I made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” He drops his head and looks up at me again, his eyes red. “And I set you free.”

My mind is reeling with this new information, but I just stare at him for a moment, feeling new anger surface. That’s why he dumped me? Because he thought he knew what was best for me?

“How dare you,” I say and hit him in the chest. “How dare you. I loved you with everything I was, and you destroyed me. Did you think I wasn’t strong enough to handle the truth?”

His eyes widen. “No, Malia. I knew you were, and I knew there was a chance you would give up on your dreams for me. And that wasn’t something I could live with.”

The truth is, I probably would have followed Jax into hell itself as long as we were together.

“If I chose to stay, it wouldn’t have been for you. It would have been for us—for what we had. And that wasn’t your decision to make. It was ours. Yours and mine, to make together.” I shake my head and turn away from him. I think of all the could haves. I think of all the pain I was put through because he thought he knew what was best for me. Thunder rumbles in the sky around us.

“Malia,” Jax says. His voice is like a prayer: pleading, hoping. He gently turns me around. Even the slightest touch of his hands on my shoulders has my body craving for more. It doesn’t seem to understand that we’re mad at him right now. Mad and, if I’m being honest, relieved. He didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t break up with me because he didn’t want me anymore or because he stopped loving me. And even though I’m still angry that he made my decision for me, a part of me can understand his reasoning behind it. Would I have done things differently had our roles been reversed? I honestly don’t know.

“Malia,” he says again, and it’s like a balm on my broken heart. He lifts my chin, and his fingers are warm against my chilled skin. “Please, Malia. Look at me.”

I gaze up at him, into those blue eyes that have always known me so well. I search them as his seem to search mine. What am I looking for? The boy I once knew? The boy who loved me? Instead, I see a man who had to make terribly difficult decisions at the expense of his own heart to do what he felt was right. I feel a new respect for him for taking responsibility for his actions. I reach up and cup his face. “Jax,” I whisper.

He leans forward so that his breath is on mine. “Not a day has gone by that I didn’t think about you.” His voice is deep and full of raw emotion. “I wished that I could hold you again, kiss you again, and tell you that I never stopped loving you. My heart has and always will be yours. I know what we had was a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love, but I'm challenging lightning to strike again.”