Sex and Vanity

Lucie almost wanted to roll her eyes. She was enjoying the Lady Mary pantomime, but she knew this was going to happen—Cecil always ended up wanting Alexandra.

As if sensing her reticence, Cecil pleaded, “I promise this is the only time I’ll ask you for the rest of the month.”

“Well, in that case…” Lucie gave him a mischievous smile and took a deep breath, raised her arm, and slapped him clear across the face.

Cecil gasped loudly, grinning. “The beef Wellington is fully baked now!”

“Nikolai Alexandrovich, you have behaved very badly,” Lucie scolded, her Agent Amasova impersonation spot-on.*3

“What have I done to disappoint you this time, Alexandra Feodorovna? Is the new Fabergé cigarette case not to your liking?”

“Why would you ever give me a cigarette case? First of all, smoking causes cancer, and those vulgar diamonds on the case…”

“Wait—there aren’t any diamonds on the Fabergé case, baby. Remember, it’s jeweled silver gilt and lavender guilloche enamel.”

“Don’t interrupt me, you miserable serf! The enameled cigarette case looks so common, like something Prince Felix Yusupov would give to one of his lesser servants.”

“I’m truly sorry, my empress. I have failed you.”

“Let’s see…how should you be properly punished today?”

“Check out my royal scepter, baby,” Cecil said eagerly.

“You peasant! How dare you insult me with your…your filthy Rasputin?” Lucie roared with outrage.

“Ooohh! Ooohh!!!” Cecil moaned in delight. “Scold me more, my queen!”

“I am not your queen. I am your imperial majesty! Pathetic excuse of a man! How will you ever defend us against the revolutionaries? Do you not hear them chanting for our heads outside the gates of Tsarskoe Selo?”

“I’m a contemp

tible fool, Your Imperial Majesty!”

Lucie bit her lip so she wouldn’t laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. She couldn’t believe how much he was enjoying this. “The revolutionaries are at the gates of the palace! And here all you have is this jeweled heirloom dagger to defend yourself…”

“Tell me about the heirloom dagger! Tell me more about it, baby,” Cecil grunted, his jaw clenched and his breath quickening.

“It’s a scimitar with a gold filigree handle studded with ancient Burmese jade and a scabbard crafted of lapis lazuli and inlaid amber. The razor-sharp blade is hand-forged of meteoric iron, hardened and hardened by centuries of pounding against the jagged steppes of the Caucasus.”

“Agggrrrhhhh!” Cecil shuddered in ecstasy, hugging Lucie tightly as he began sobbing against her shoulder like a little boy. “Alexandra Feodorovna, I love you.”

“I love you too, Nikolai,” Lucie murmured softly.

“Call me Alexei,” Cecil whimpered.

“Alexei, Alexei Nikolaevich,” Lucie whispered as she held him, wondering why he always wanted to be called by the name of a tragic young hemophiliac prince. As her fingers ran through the soft hair on the back of Cecil’s head, she suddenly imagined she was stroking George’s silky hair while he kissed her. Wildly, slowly, as the memory of his mouth all over her came rushing back so vividly.

*1 Prince Nikolai of Denmark has a Danish father and a mother who’s actually of English, Czech, Austrian, and Chinese ancestry. Mark-Paul Gosselaar, aka Zack Morris on Saved by the Bell, has a German father and a Dutch Indonesian mother. Phoebe Cates has a Jewish father and a mother who’s half Chinese and half Russian. And yes, she still looks twenty-five.

*2 That would be legendary party photographer Patrick McMullan, of course, who has chronicled New York’s nightlife for over four decades. If Patrick wasn’t snapping away at your party, it might as well not have happened.

*3 My favorite Bond girl from the Roger Moore era, Major Anya Amasova (aka Agent XXX) was a Russian KGB agent played by the incomparable Barbara Bach in The Spy Who Loved Me.

IX

Dorset Yacht Club

SAG HARBOR