Sex and Vanity

“What, you’re feeling sorry for him now?”

“I don’t feel sorry for him. I love him,” Lucie cried.

Rosemary tilted her head dubiously. “You really love my son?”

“I’ve always loved him!” As much as it hurt, Lucie felt an intense relief to finally say it.

“So why did you tell him you didn’t? Why did you have to go and break my boy’s heart?”

Lucie crumbled onto the sofa. “I don’t know. I was confused, I was ashamed. I was afraid of what my family would say…”

“Your family? Do you mean your mother?”

“My mother, yes, but also my extended family. You don’t know what it’s like for me. Ever since I was little, it’s always seemed like my mother’s only wanted me to be around my dad’s family. It’s as though Mom’s ashamed of her Chinese roots—I hardly ever see my Chinese grandparents. I know she rebelled against her parents by marrying my dad, and I didn’t think she’d ever want me to fall in love with a Chinese boy either. And I thought my father’s family would be disappointed in me if I didn’t marry some billionaire prince. I’ve been in a no-win situation all my life. My Chinese relatives treat me like I’m some sort of precious unicorn, too good to be one of them, and my WASP relatives treat me like I’m not good enough for them,” Lucie cried.

Rosemary put her arms around Lucie as her tears kept falling. “You poor muddled girl! You’ve been deluded into being racist toward yourself! You don’t even know how strong your mother is. She’s not ashamed of her Asian roots at all! Do you want to know what she told me a few weeks ago? We had a long talk late one night on the beach, and she told me she made a decision to sacrifice her own family so that you and Freddie could spend as much time as you could with your Churchill family. Because she felt that you got plenty of Chinese influence with her at home, she wanted the both of you to maintain as strong of a link as possible to your father. She was so sad that you lost him at such a young age, and she felt terrible that she got so sick she couldn’t help you deal with it properly at the time.”

Lucie was stunned. “Why did she never tell me this?”

“I don’t know.” Rosemary sighed. “Why do mothers and their children never tell each other the most important things?”

They sat silently next to each other for a long while. As she dried her tears, Lucie spoke up again.

“Mrs. Zao, it’s my turn to say sorry. I’m so sorry for all I put you and George through. I never wanted to hurt him either, and I hope he’ll be able to forgive me.”

“I know he will.”

“I love your son, and I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks anymore!”

“No one will think anything, dear. They will keep loving you, and I know they will love my son. It makes me so sad that you’ve wasted so much time deceiving yourself thinking that it would be any different.”

Lucie broke into a smile. Cornelia was right. Lucie had done nothing but deceive herself, and the deception hadn’t just begun this summer. It had started all those years ago in Capri, at the moment she had been caught with George at Villa Jovis. That moment had changed everything. It had threatened to explode her whole world, and it sent her into a tailspin. It had forced her unconsciously to lock up her body and soul, and it made her seek out safe harbor with Cecil Pike, a man who she knew could never break her heart.

“I don’t know what came over me, Mrs. Zao. It’s like I’ve been trapped in a bubble for so long…since Capri, actually…It’s like I’ve been sleepwalking through my life ever since.”

“I understand. Something fateful happened in Capri that changed you and George. It changed the both of you forever.”

Lucie sat up properly and gave Rosemary an awkward look. “There’s something else I really need to apologize for, Mrs. Zao…”

“If it’s about the co-op thing, I already know.”

“You do?”

“Yes, Ms. Ferrer sat next to me at your mother’s party. We had a very long talk. She wanted to know all about my years as a prostitute in Lan Kwai Fong.”

III

· MAY 2019 ·

From: Charlotte Barclay

To: [email protected]

Subject: Catching up!

Dear Lucie,

Thank you for the lovely postcard. It’s filling me with wanderlust and making me wish I had more time to travel! Speaking of which, guess what I’ve managed to convince your mother to do? After the huge success of her Chinese cooking classes with Rosemary at the Preppie Guru Lounge last fall, we are bringing their classes to London this summer! Yes, it’s high time Londoners experience some truly authentic Chinese home cooking, and I’ve already found the most wonderful venue for them, thanks to the generosity of my friend Yotam Ottolenghi, and I can’t wait for everyone here to experience their double act.