‘Alistair, if this is about what happened last Friday, then...’ She shrugged. ‘Don’t beat yourself up about it. Anya was all right, everyone was all right’
She’d made the same mistake all over again, and told him that it didn’t matter whether he was there or not. Raina saw Alistair’s face darken.
‘You’re saying it was easy to go to the hospital and fetch her?’
‘No, it was harder than I’d thought it would be. I couldn’t help thinking about her in that hospital bed after Andrew and Theresa died. She was so small, and she’d lost so much, her parents, her arm...’ Tears started to run down Raina’s cheeks. Alistair reached forward as if to brush them away, and Raina batted his hand to one side.
‘Don’t do that. Not when you’re talking about leaving me.’
He nodded, as if he understood. Damn him, if he understood this anger, this pain, he wouldn’t just walk away from her.
‘What happened last Friday made me think about who I can and can’t be. I just can’t be what you both need.’
‘Ah, and it’s all your father’s fault, is it?’ He was going, and she may as well say it. ‘It’s not. It’s your choice and you need to own it, Alistair. This is nothing to do with me, or what I expect from you, and it’s nothing to do with your father. It’s about you.’
He stared at her and for a moment Raina wondered whether he’d been listening at all in the past few weeks. The blank-eyed look that invited her to throw whatever she wanted at him because he could take it was exactly the same one that had watched her leave the last time.
Well, this time he was going to have to do the leaving. Suddenly his face softened, and Raina wondered if he could go through with it. Then what would she do?
‘Raina, I know. All I’ve ever achieved, everything I’ve done right is my work. I realise I have to reassess those priorities if I’m to be a part of your life, and I’m not sure that I can.’
‘And you won’t even try?’ Raina knew now. This was the second time he’d done this to her, and she couldn’t forgive him. Not even if he begged, and she was quite sure he wouldn’t do that.
‘I can’t risk...’ He was silent, shaking his head. Apparently she wasn’t going to be privy to what Alistair could and couldn’t risk.
‘Go, then. Just go.’ She would have shouted the words if Anya hadn’t been asleep upstairs. But lack of volume didn’t change the way they sounded. Bitter and hurt. Which was just the way Raina felt.
He stared at her for a moment. Then he got to his feet, turning his back on her and walking out of the kitchen and into the hallway. Raina leaned forward, watching as he opened the front door. One last, treacherous impulse made her silently beg that he’d turn and look back.
But he didn’t. The front door closed quietly behind him. If she knew Alistair at all, he definitely wasn’t coming back.
She walked slowly to the door, laying her hand on the latch. The last thing he’d touched. Sadness and anger clawed in her heart, and she slammed her fist hard against the door, then sank to the floor behind it and started to cry.
A sound from upstairs stopped her short. She must have woken Anya. Raina wiped at her face with her sleeve, trying to rub away the tears. Taking a breath to steady herself, she walked upstairs to Anya’s room.
‘Mummy...?’ The little girl was sitting up in her bed, rubbing her eyes drowsily. Raina hugged her, laying her back down again.
‘What’s the matter, sweetie?’
‘I heard a noise.’
‘Ah. Well, everything’s all right. Mummy just dropped something.’ Dropped and smashed. Into so many pieces that it could never be put together again. ‘Go back to sleep, darling.’
Anya nodded, closing her eyes, and then opened them again. ‘Don’t do it again, Mummy.’
Raina smiled, kissing her daughter. ‘No, sweetie. I promise I won’t do it again.’
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, Alistair?’ Gabriel blustered into his office, slamming the door. ‘It’s been two weeks!’
‘Take a seat, Gabriel.’ Alistair waved his friend towards the armchairs at the other end of his office and Gabriel ignored him. Alistair’s Italian wasn’t up to much, but he knew when he was being cursed and called an idiot.
Heidi was outside, pulling her coat on to leave for the evening. She aimed a wave at the office, and then made herself scarce. These explosions happened from time to time, and they always blew over.
Gabriel was pacing, waiting for Heidi to go. When the outer office was empty, he walked over to the desk, planting his hands onto it. ‘What did you do to her, Alistair?’
‘Who?’ He was too tired to feign ignorance and be convincing about it. He hadn’t been sleeping and every waking moment had been consumed with thoughts of Raina. The happy times gave him as much pain as the bad times.