‘I think he’d say that he was happy about that. He’d probably write me a story.’
‘Yeah? Then you’ve got something to thank him for.’
Tom’s life seemed less like a catalogue of failure and missed opportunity now. ‘Aunt Suze always used to say that it was all such a waste...’
‘She’s right, it was a waste of a young life. But what he was, the things he did will never be wasted as long as you remember him for them.’
Laurie wiped her face, picking the boat up from the bench beside her. This wasn’t the brave face that she’d put on for her father. It was wanting to say the things she really wanted to, for Tom, and that felt very different.
‘Let’s do this.’
Ross nodded. ‘Yeah. Let’s do it.’
He pulled on the waders and they walked down to the water’s edge. In the darkness, with Ross standing quietly beside her, Laurie said the things she wanted to say to Tom. Then he put the small boat onto the water and handed her the matches.
Her hands were trembling, and she broke the first two, trying to strike them against the side of the box. But the third flared brightly and she touched it against the kindling in the boat. It started to glow and then caught.
‘You want me to take it out now?’ Ross spoke quietly.
‘Yes, please.’ Laurie pressed her fingers against her lips, touching the kiss against the side of the boat, and Ross started to wade out, pushing the boat. The flames were spreading, now, and the fire that she’d carefully built was beginning to lick around the mast.
Suddenly, she had to be a part of this as well. Laurie waded out into the water and he turned, waiting for her.
No comments about how she’d ruin her sandals, or that the water was cold. When she reached him, he pushed the boat towards her and she gingerly took hold of it. They took a few steps more, Ross’s hand around her waist steadying her against the pull of the current. This was what she needed to do, and she didn’t want to do it alone. She wanted Ross to be with her.
Laurie said one last goodbye and pushed the boat out into the lake. It bobbed for a moment and then the current found it and it started to drift away, a speck of shining flame in the darkness.
She couldn’t keep herself from crying again, but she didn’t have to. Ross held her tight, the warmth of his body comforting her. Together they watched the boat float away, until finally the flames caught on the infrastructure and the light was extinguished.
Ross, the man who seemed to have an answer for everything, was as lost for words as she was. When she looked up at him, he was staring into the darkness, and Laurie thought she saw the glint of a tear in his eye. A tear for her beloved Tom that moved Laurie more than she could say.
‘Thank you, Ross.’
He nodded, taking her hand, and they waded out of the water together. Silent in the darkness and yet so, so close. He watched as she walked awkwardly to the bench, her feet slipping in her wet sandals.
‘I can’t walk in these...’ She sat down, taking them off. The rough ground between here and the cultivated lawn at the back of the house might be a little hard on her feet, but at least she wouldn’t slip and fall.
‘Want a piggy-back?’ Ross was stripping off the waders and pulling on his sneakers.
Probably not the most elegant of ways to leave your brother’s tribute, but Tom would have found it funny. And Ross seemed to know that Laurie would have felt awkward about being carried. She stood up on the bench, and climbed onto his back.
‘Uh... You’re a lot heavier than you look.’ Ross didn’t seem to be having any trouble carrying her, and was striding towards the house.
‘That’s because it’s all muscle. Where’s your knowledge of human anatomy, Ross?’ Tom would have found the teasing funny, too.
‘Next time I need a lift I’ll know who to ask...’
‘You think I couldn’t?’
He shook his head. ‘No. I’m horribly afraid that you could. Keep still, will you?’
Laurie wrapped her arms around his neck, snuggling against him. The warmth of his body penetrated through her wet jeans and his solidity was comforting and...
Maybe she shouldn’t be feeling that. But Tom wouldn’t have minded, he would have just laughed and told her to go for it. He would have understood the damage that her father had done, how she hadn’t been able to consider the thought of a happy family or a relationship because all those things seemed like a prison to her. And maybe he’d understand how her feelings were beginning to change.
But, however much she trusted Ross, however much he trusted her, it still couldn’t change anything. He didn’t trust the future, and Laurie knew that he wouldn’t go any further than a few kisses, which they could pretend hadn’t happened.
He reached the patio and let her down gently from his back. She couldn’t let him go now, and she caught hold of his hand, feeling his fingers wind around hers.