‘Can’t you just trust me, Ross? Can’t you believe that I can accept that?’
‘I trust you. Life’s the thing I really don’t trust...’
‘Oh!’ She flung her hands in the air in an expression of frustration. ‘We’re in control of our own lives, aren’t we? Whatever happened to not giving up?’
‘And whatever happened to facing facts?’ Ross could feel his brow tightening into a frown. ‘Or to making the best of what you have, for that matter?’
‘Fine.’ Anger flared in her beautiful eyes. ‘You make the best of what you have, then. Don’t give a second thought to anything else because it’s just too much trouble to try for it.’
That stung. All the feelings about his marriage came flooding back. Alice’s reproachful looks when she’d found that he’d failed her again that month.
‘Grow up, Laurie. You might feel that you can push yourself and achieve all you want out of life, and maybe you’re right. But none of that gives you the right to expect me to achieve the impossible.’
Her eyes widened in outrage. ‘That’s not what I’m saying, Ross. I’m telling you that we take what we have now and make something good from it.’
‘And I’m telling you that we can’t.’
Her lip began to quiver. If she cried, Ross wasn’t sure that he’d be able to let her go, but Laurie pulled herself together suddenly, straightening her back and shooting him that blank look that denied him any access to her feelings.
‘We’re done, then.’ She murmured the words, turning and walking out of the kitchen. Ross jumped as the front door of the apartment banged closed behind her.
* * *
It should have been an easy equation. Two suitcases in, two suitcases out. It was the way Laurie always travelled, never bringing home any more than she’d taken with her. The equation wasn’t working this time.
There were her clothes. They weren’t too much of a problem, although there were two T-shirts with the clinic logo on them and the fruits of a shopping trip with Ross, a pair of sandals that she’d bought to replace those she’d waterlogged, and a skirt she’d liked that he’d encouraged her to buy. They’d fit easily. The cork from the bottle of champagne that had been so much fun to drink, and which Ross had cut and inserted a coin into for luck, didn’t take up much space either. Maybe she should just throw that away as it stirred up too many memories, but she couldn’t bear to. She had so little of him to keep already.
There were so many other things, though. The comic strip that Adam had drawn for her. The two yellow feathers that had fluttered out of her T-shirt when she’d pulled it over her head on the evening of the school sports day, pressed carefully inside the programme like flowers between the leaves of a book. The rowing cap that Tamara had given her, which Laurie had promised to wear at her next competition, and the folder full of useful reading matter that Sam had presented her with when Laurie had suggested they collaborate on ideas for a new charity. Drawings from the kids at the mother and toddler class.
Then there were the books that Ross had taken from his shelves for her to read. They were a little easier. She’d only read a few of them, but she would leave them all behind, because there would be no opportunity to return them later.
‘You know it’s over when she starts to separate her books and music from yours...’
Grant had said that when one of the stream of girlfriends he’d had before he was married had left. The thought hit home now with a new appreciation of how incredibly sad the process of leaving someone was. She’d never let a relationship get far enough before now to exchange anything that needed to be returned.
She carried the books through to the sitting room, feeling tears prick at the sides of her eyes. Laurie wiped them away. This was a new kind of pain and it was hard to pretend she didn’t feel it.
This was by no means the first time they’d argued, two strong characters who enjoyed the clash of wills and liked the ultimate reconciliation even better. But this time it was different. Ross was right, and at the same time a little bit wrong. He’d said he couldn’t give her what she needed, but in truth it was Laurie who couldn’t give him what he needed. She couldn’t make him believe that stepping out into uncharted waters with her wasn’t going to lead to disaster. Her love wasn’t enough for that.
Now she could cry if the wanted to, and maybe it would ease the suffocating pressure in her chest. But clearly she didn’t deserve the relief of tears, and they wouldn’t come. She’d just helped destroy the best thing that had ever happened to her and there was no going back. Leaving might be the right thing to do, but it felt that this loss would overshadow everything from now on.
* * *
Ross had waited for the timer on the oven to ping, and tipped this evening’s dinner straight into a freezer dish, abandoning it to cool. Slinging himself into an armchair, he glared at the wall.
Why hadn’t he fallen on his knees and begged Laurie to stay?
Because it would have been wrong, that was why. There was no more talking to be done, no more making love and no goodbyes. This was the end, and going back now would only postpone the inevitable and make it worse. If the rest of his life was going to be lived without Laurie, he should accept it and get on with it.
But despite himself, Ross sat up late, brooding in the darkness and waking early the next morning to find his neck stiff and his leg numb from falling asleep on the sofa.
The sound of a car outside on the gravel drive took him over to the front window. Laurie had been waiting for the taxi, and the driver helped her load her suitcases into the boot.
Ross
closed his eyes. This was the right thing to do, but he wouldn’t watch her go. All the same, his lips formed the words.
Goodbye, my love. Be happy.