‘He was based in Newcastle, and he came down to London every couple of weeks. I saw him then and I used to count the days...’ Nell shook her head at her own stupidity. ‘It went on for six months and then he told me that he was married. He said it didn’t matter, that he and his wife had some kind of understanding, but I broke it off immediately.’
Nell looked into Hugo’s face, wondering if he could understand. ‘I thought he loved me. And even though I loved him, I couldn’t do it.’
‘Sounds as if you were the one who was the adult in that relationship.’
He thought so? Nell had always considered herself as the silly little girl, blinded by love. Slowly Martin was developing feet of clay.
‘I don’t know about that. But I stuck to it, even though he contacted me a few times afterwards. Finally he left me alone, and I reckoned that it was just a life lesson and I should chalk it up to experience. I graduated, and got a job at the hospital and things were going well. Then the head of department retired, and...’ Nell felt herself start to shake. That feeling, that she couldn’t escape and that her mistakes would always come back to bite her, had turned out to be about the only true thing in this whole business.
‘And when the new head of department showed up, it was him?’ Hugo was filling in the gaps now. ‘Any reasonable man would have spoken to you privately, admitted that he’d acted very badly and hoped that you might find the goodness of heart to draw a line under the whole business. I’m guessing he didn’t do that.’
Nell shook her head, finding herself smiling grimly. ‘No, he didn’t. There were a couple of weeks of extreme awkwardness, and then I couldn’t bear it any longer. I spoke to him and apologised...’
‘You apologised?’
‘It seemed reasonable. I had been one very willing half of the affair.’
Hugo let out a short, sharp breath. ‘Are you saying it was all your fault?’
‘No, I...’ In truth, after the last six months, Nell had been reduced to not knowing what was and wasn’t her fault.
‘We talked a bit and I thought we’d come to an understanding, but the following day he said he wanted to talk a bit more and could he meet me for coffee that evening.’
Nell still didn’t understand how she could have been so stupid. But when she looked at Hugo, there was no sign of reproach in his face. Perhaps he was just waiting to hear everything before he made a final decision on that.
‘I went, and he started telling me about how his marriage had broken up because his wife had found out about our affair. I don’t know if that was true, but I was horrified. Then he said that the least I could do was give things another try. I said I didn’t think that was a good idea and he offered to take me home. He walked me to my door and then he told me he knew I wanted it really and pushed me inside. Somehow I fought him off...’ The words had tumbled out, and Nell was suddenly breathless with shame.
‘I hope you hurt him.’
‘I... Actually, I had a copy of Welman’s Clinical Procedures in my bag. I managed to get free of him and hit him with it.’
Hugo grinned suddenly. ‘Good girl. The full edition, I hope.’
‘Stop it, it was the abbreviated edition. It still hurt him, though. He made some comment about my obviously not being in the mood tonight and left.’ She was shaking. Not so much as she had that night, but she still couldn’t stop.
‘Did you report him?’
‘No, I...’ Nell shrugged miserably. ‘I was the one who asked him in. And it wasn’t as if we’d just met, we had a history.’
‘No means no. Nothing trumps that.’
It seemed so simple when he said it like that. Hugo’s sense of honour made it simple. She wished that he’d reach out to her, but knew that he wouldn’t. As far as Hugo was concerned, one touch now would make him as bad as Martin and she wished she could find a way to tell him that wasn’t true.
She had to finish the story. Get this over with as quickly as possible. If she could do it without breaking down, that would be a bonus. Nell squeezed her hands together in her lap, feeling her nails dig deep.
‘He...tried it on a few times after that. I rejected him and started to make sure we were never alone together. Then one day he called me into his office, and went through a very comprehensive list of all the things I was doing wrong. All from a clinical point of view, there was nothing personal.’
‘Payback time?’
‘Yes. That went on for a few months, and I started to wonder whether there really was something wrong with the way I did my job. Then he blocked my promotion.’
‘On what grounds?’
‘He said I was an excellent doctor but that realising my full potential meant staying in my current post a little while longer.’ If Martin had criticised her performance, Nell could have fought it. But this had been impossible.
Hugo thought for a moment. ‘He’s done this before.’
‘What? What makes you say that?’