I just hope I can.
Luna
“Are you okay, Josh?” Even as I ask the question I’m starting to feel like a damn parrot. Between Joshua and Gavin all I seem to do lately is push that question.
“I’m fine, Mom,” he says, but then again, that’s how he always answers. It’s been two weeks since Roy was killed. It’s been moments of good and bad. Gavin has all but moved in, and as weird as it sounds, that’s been really good. There wasn’t a transitioning period where we didn’t know what to do with one another. We slipped into a comfortable routine and it felt completely natural. Even Gavin and Joshua seem to like each other. Gavin does his best to give our son constant attention and involve him in things—even stuff as simple as watching television. Joshua, I think, was skeptical and still is a little, but when Gavin showed up at his awards banquet, I saw the surprise and the happiness on his face.
The bad has definitely been the shadow hanging over us since Roy’s death. We’re headed to his memorial service now and all three of us would rather be anywhere else. It was a long wait because of the autopsy and other tests that the FBI and law enforcement agencies ran on the body. Then, Gavin and his superiors thought having a funeral might be too much of a red flag for Darren and they didn’t want to set off a killing spree. Security has been set up so tight that it’s almost frightening. They follow Joshua and I everywhere, Gavin too. I feel better knowing someone always has eyes on Joshua, though, so I don’t argue. I just hope they find Darren soon and life can start to go back to normal.
“Joshua—”
Gavin squeezes my leg as he pulls into the funeral home. I look up at him and he gives me a sad smile.
“You can’t fix everything, Moonbeam,” Gavin whispers.
“I wish I could, for both of you,” I tell him, my hand moving over his and our fingers linking.
“Trust me, Babe. You’ve fixed a hell of a lot, more than I deserve,” he says, and the words make me smile, despite the sadness of the day.
We walk into the funeral home and to the chapel together, with Joshua between us. I can’t really describe the feeling I get anytime the three of us go anywhere now as a unit—a family unit. It’s only been two weeks, but after dreaming and fantasizing about something that simple for years, it all feels so surreal now. It’s almost perfect if you count the way I’m pretending that the unmarked police car that pulled in behind us, or the way the place is swarming with plain clothed policemen doesn’t exist.
As we make our way up front to the pew marked “family”, I look around and see that the place is mostly empty. There’s a few people from Roy’s AA in the back row. A handful of people from our town and the police are dispersed through the room. The only person I don’t know is a woman sitting alone about three rows back from where Gavin, Joshua and I sit. She’s gorgeous, her hair long and so blonde I think I see silver highlights. She’s wearing a black dress with thin straps and wearing light makeup, but she definitely looks out of place and ill at ease.
“Gavin,” I whisper.
“Yeah, Babe?” I smile without thought because he’s calling me babe and baby more often now and doing it routinely.
“Who is that girl behind us?”
Gavin looks behind us and I see the tension move off his face and happiness replace his features almost at once.
“June! Is that you?”
“Gavin, I thought that was you when you came in. It’s been a long time,” the girl says as Gavin gets up and goes to her.
When she stands up, he gives her a big hug, and I’ll admit jealousy begins running through me. She’s beautiful in a way I could never compete with. It’s clear that Gavin likes her—as in really likes her. I have no idea who she is. I’ve never seen her before. Is she someone Gavin dated after he left Stone Lake? Jealousy tastes bitter and suddenly I’m scared all over again, whereas I would have thought being with Gavin was a wise decision. It suddenly dawns on me that despite everything Gavin has said, I don’t know anything about his past thirteen years. I don’t know about the women he’s had in his life, his relationship, who he loved…. He said he’s always loved me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t love others either…
“It’s damn good to see you. I had no idea you were even in town.”
“I just got here this morning. I was on the road and when I heard the news, thought I’d stop off here.”