His words sounded like he was mocking her, which she hated. It was on the tip of her tongue to lie to him, to keep her feelings to herself, but she knew that no one ever learned from lying.
“One day, yes. I hope to find love. I’d like to have a man who loves me, and to be a mother. Is that so farfetched to even think about?” Annalise asked. She expected rejection, insults, or even laughter.
“You’re angry.”
“No, I’m not angry.” She pressed her lips together. “I just know that finding love is not as easy as people think it is. It’s hard and…” She shrugged. “There aren’t many lucky people out there.” She wrapped the shawl around herself. “Can we take a raincheck on the tour? It’s late and I want to get up early tomorrow.”
She didn’t want to be around Gabe.
“Annalise, wait,” he said.
She’d already turned on her heel and was trying to leave, but he seemed determined to stop her. He reached out to grab her arm, and she didn’t attempt to fight him. There was no reason to.
There was no fear for this man, unlike her stepfather. Part of her expected to have a chip on her shoulder for all men, but they were clearly different people.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said. “I’m royally screwing up here.”
“You haven’t upset me. I’m fine. I’m just tired.”
“To be honest, I’ve never been good with women. Can’t say I’ve ever been in a serious relationship. Most women have wanted to tear me, Vinny, and Archie apart. I don’t know why. Maybe jealousy. Maybe it was some kind of game to them.”
“I’m so sorry,” she said.
“It’s … no … I’ve never stopped wanting love, but when you live the life I have, and the women I’ve been with, I know that love isn’t that easy to find. Kind of seemed like a figment of the imagination. There are so many people who want to fuck with my way of living. Who want to tear me apart, and this … family, I can’t do anything to jeopardize it.”
“Which is where the foursome thing comes in, right?”
“That was one of the reasons why we had talked about sharing one. It was one of the only ways we saw of this ever working. Our friendship isn’t common. No one understands but us.”
“One woman together with all three of you?” she asked.
“Yes. I know it sounds crazy.”
“I have to go.”
“Annalise, I’m sorry. You don’t have to leave.”
She had already started to walk away. She needed time to think, and she’d only get the space by being alone. With Gabe speaking so … normally about the prospect of sharing one woman, she was struggling.
She had never considered sharing three men.
They’re never going to pick you, anyway.
Was she more insulted or angry that it would be another woman?
Annalise rubbed at her temples, trying to expel the horrible thoughts trying to hurt her. Insecurities that had been instilled in her ever since she had moved in with that horrible stepfamily.
Not once had her stepfather acknowledged she existed. She’d been an inconvenience. Nothing more. Being second best had destroyed her from the inside out.
Her stepfather took great pride in seeing her mother embracing his daughters while never giving her own the time of day. It wasn’t fair, but her mother never saw a problem.
For years, he had forced her from one corner to another. Attempting to trap her in a bad situation. She had no idea why.
Rushing to the house, she charged through the kitchen, ignoring Vinny and Archie’s questioning looks, and ran straight toward her bedroom. She closed the door, flicked the lock into place, and moved back until her legs hit the bed. She collapsed.
The thought of belonging to three men didn’t repulse her. Should it?
Gabe’s suggestion had freaked her out on every level because she didn’t expect to have any feelings about it at all, and yet, here she was.
A virgin she may be, but she wasn’t blind to her own feelings. She knew what she wanted more than anything.
She craved love.
Needed affection.
At the same time, she didn’t know how to accept it. After too many years of going without, she didn’t find it easy to accept love.
They didn’t say they wanted you, dimwit. They were talking to you as a friend.
Tears filled her eyes and she stared down at her hands.
“Your mother never wanted you.”
“She wished it was you in that grave instead of your father.”
“You’re a useless piece of trash.”
Annalise swiped at the tears, trying her best to remain calm, even though it was the last thing she felt. She was holding on by a thread.
Taking a deep breath, she slowly started to let it out. One long inhale, and a slow exhale. This was what she got used to being back at home, when she heard them acting like a family downstairs, and she’d been ordered to stay in her room until they were ready for her. They never called for her. She always remained in her room and was never allowed out. Out of sight, out of mind. This was the way her life had been for so long.