Except for that kiss.
That one kiss that I’d give my right arm to experience again. As much as he irritates me, he turns me on like no man ever has.
And I’ve had a lot of men.
What is he hiding?
Whatever it is, Diana most likely doesn’t know, or she would have warned me. Or would she have? She loves her brother and would no doubt protect him at all costs.
“We all have our secrets,” I finally say, trying—but failing—to sound nonchalant.
“I suppose so.”
I smile. “I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”
His face turns to stone, and his cheeks redden. Uh-oh. I feel like I’ve awakened a barbarian. He’s not speaking, but the color—the deep-red color of his voice—still swirls around me, tries to drown me.
“Do not ever say that to me.”
“I was just joking.”
“Joking or not, never say those words to me again.”
I’m shivering. Seriously shivering inside this office, which is perfectly comfortable. Shivering like I used to on those chilly nights when my mother’s warmth and our two threadbare blankets weren’t enough.
I’m cold.
Dale is making me cold from the chill exuding from him.
“I’m…sorry,” I say.
“You don’t know what you’re dealing with,” he says. “No one gets inside me. No one. Is that clear?”
This time I gulp, and yes, it’s audible. “Perfectly.”
Chapter Twenty
Dale
Ashley seems small as she stands five feet away from me, rubbing her hands on her upper arms as if to ease a chill.
She’s average height—which is short among us Steels—but she’s hardly little. Yet my mind transforms her into a little girl—a little girl going to bed hungry.
I don’t know her story, don’t want to know. Is it worse than mine? Maybe. Maybe not. Probably not. What Donny and I went through is about as far on the scale of horror as I care to imagine.
Even so, the thought of little Ashley White going to bed hungry even once cuts through me like a sharp blade.
“Cold?” I ask.
“I’m fine.”
I clear my throat. “Good.” I walk out of my office, and she follows me to a cubical a couple of desks away. “This is your space. You can get settled in on Monday. We use the standard software, but our IT guy can help you if you need it. When you’re up to speed, I’ll show you how to track sales, weather reports, all the things we need to do to ensure optimal production.”
She nods.
I walk again, showing her the lunchroom, the copy room, the library, and the restrooms. “These are the places you have access to here in the building. No smoking, obviously.”
“I don’t smoke.”
“That includes marijuana.”
“I think I already told you I don’t do drugs, and even if I did, I would never do it on the job.”
I nod. I know she won’t smoke pot anywhere near the office. I have no idea why I even said that. I have no idea why I say half the things I do to Ashley White.
Have you ever gone to bed hungry?
Her words echo in my mind.
The question seems so innocuous compared to what she could have asked.
Have you ever been taken from your home against your will?
Have you even been held captive in a dark room?
Have you ever been violated in the most personal way?
Have you ever been beaten to within an inch of your life?
Have you ever been forced to listen to your baby brother’s screams as a masked man rapes him?
“Help me, Dale! Please help me!”
She doesn’t know. She’ll never know, and that’s not her fault. All it means is that the worst thing that ever happened to her is that she went to bed hungry. Perhaps many times.
I feel for her, feel for anyone who has suffered. And indeed I’m happy she doesn’t know the horror that I know.
What I’d give to have hunger be the only thing I went through.
She doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. Again, that’s not her fault. She certainly won’t be hearing it from me.
I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.
Right. When hell freezes over.
Oddly, she’s still rubbing at her upper arms. It’s perfectly warm in the office. Perhaps she’s not cold, exactly, at least not in a physical sense.
Fuck it. I’ve got more to worry about than Ashley White. More to worry about than the urge to kiss her again, to take her in my arms and swear to her that she’ll never go hungry again on my watch. That I’ll protect her from all the evil in the world.
Hell. I can’t even protect myself from that.
A misery dwells inside me—the secrets compartmentalized in my head so I don’t think about them. But they’re there. Always there, bringing the nightmares.
The best therapy in the country hasn’t forced the nightmares away.
But I live my life. I do my work. I have a wonderful family who loves me and whom I love. My life is good, and I never forget that.