“If they told you what I think they did,” I say through a clenched jaw, “then you know why I can’t be with you.”
“No.” She gulps. “I love you, and you love me. The past doesn’t matter.”
I rake my fingers through my hair and stare at the ceiling. “How the hell can you say that?”
“Because—”
“You don’t know the half of it.”
“It doesn’t matter. It—”
“It does matter, Ashley. It matters because I can’t be what you want me to be. I can’t.”
“I never wanted you to be anything other than who you are,” she says timidly.
“You say that. You may even believe it. But there are things inside me. Things I can’t control. And I don’t want you anywhere near me when they come out.”
She doesn’t reply, but her eyes… Her beautiful blue eyes… They regard me with love and sympathy…and something else.
Something else…
Fear. She’s scared. Just what I don’t want.
Just why this has to end.
But the fear in her eyes gives way to indignance as she whips her hands to her hips and advances on me. “I call bullshit.”
I don’t raise my voice. “It’s not bullshit.”
“It’s bullshit. You could have figured all this out a week ago, before we got married.”
She’s not wrong. “I always knew, Ashley. But I wanted you so much. I wanted to believe I could be happy.”
“You can be.”
“You don’t understand.”
“Because you don’t let me, Dale. You don’t let me in.”
I shake my head, wanting to pull out my hair strand by strand. This is nuts. What made me think I could ever do this? That I could ever have a normal marriage? That I could ever be this happy for more than a few days?
“I don’t let you in for your own good.”
“If you love me, you won’t do this.”
“Because I love you is why I have to do this. Why can’t you see that?”
“No,” she says. “You won’t. You won’t hurt someone you love.”
Oh, how wrong she is. I have hurt the person I love most. Twenty-five years ago, I did just that. I forsook my little brother, and as God is my witness, I won’t do that to Ashley.
I pull myself together as best I can. “My mind’s made up. I’ll contact my lawyer and get the papers moving for an annulment.”
“And if I don’t sign?”
“Then I’ll get it anyway. No one can force me to stay married to you.”
She goes white then, and her lips turn downward.
I’ve never seen this look on her face, and it takes me a minute to assess it.
It’s defeat.
She looks defeated.
Ashley has never looked that way before. She’s always indignant. Always ready to fight. Always bursting with courage.
Not at this moment, though.
“I’ll take care of you,” I say. “All the money you and your mom will ever need.”
“I don’t want your money,” she says, her voice expressionless. “I never wanted it. I’ll pack my things.”
Good. She’ll pack. I’ll get her a room in town and make arrangements for her travel home to LA.
She heads to the bedroom.
I walk to the family room and plunk down into my recliner. Penny jumps into my lap and licks my face.
“Not now, girl.”
My dog means well, but I don’t want her comfort. I don’t deserve her comfort.
I don’t deserve anyone’s comfort.
It starts like any other day. We awake on the cold concrete floor, huddled together for warmth. I take a piss in the bucket in the corner. No one has changed it in a few days, but I got used to the smell long ago.
What choice do I have?
A few minutes later, the door opens. Breakfast, of course. It’s usually bread and water, but today—
“You.” The masked man points to Donny. “Come with me.”
I place myself between my brother and the man. “No. Take me. Whatever you do, you do it to me. Not him.”
“Sorry, big brother.” The man sneers. “Not today. Today we have something special planned.”
“No!” I shout. “Donny, go sit in the corner.”
“I’m taking the little one.” The man punches the side of my head.
My legs give way, and I end up on the cold floor.
“Dale, no!” Donny cries.
I turn to him. “Shut up! Just sit there and don’t say another fucking word!”
His eyes widen when I say “fucking.” Yeah, I’ve heard it enough from the pigs who torture us. I mean it, too.
The masked man stalks toward Donny, but I lunge into him as hard as I can. He lets out an oof when I slam into his chest. Without thinking, I plunge my teeth into his upper arm as hard as I can.
“You little fucker!” The man swats me across the face and then kicks me away from him.
Not to be deterred, I get up and ram into him once more.
He grabs me by the shoulders. “You little shit. Fine. You want it? You got it.”
He pushes me out the door and then locks Donny in.