Do I trust Cooper? I don’t know if I do. I can’t let what happened between us in Florida sway my mind on whether or not Cooper is going to be a good father. Right now I have no reason to believe he won’t be a good dad, even if he’s absent for some of the baby’s life.
But what kind of life is that for the baby? He or she will be able to watch their father on television while he entertains other kids but will only see him for three, maybe four months out of the year before he disappears again. I’m not sure I want that kind of life for my child. On the other hand, I want my child to have both its parents, which is something neither of us had growing up.
“When will you make the move to Boston?”
“I’m sorry, what?” Daisy’s question breaks me out of my reverie.
“Your move to Boston? When will you be doing that?”
“Oh, I’m not moving. My home is in Fort Myers.”
“Oh,” she says, looking down at the table. The waitress appears at the right moment, bringing our food so we can occupy our time with eating and not the giant elephant in the room. I guess that’s what’s expected of me, that I should move here and be at Cooper’s beck and call, but what kind of life does that leave me? I don’t want to be his glorified babysitter so he can have a relationship with his child. I want a life, too. Call me selfish, but it’s the truth. I know Daisy has a life, and it sounds glamorous, but she has Ethan. I don’t have Cooper, yet. Maybe if I did, I’d feel differently.
We finish lunch with idle chitchat, making it hard for me to get a read on Daisy. I have no doubt she’ll tell Cooper what I said, which will spur another heated debate between us. He has to know that I have no intention of staying here, even with my dad living here.
“Are you ready for some shopping?” Daisy asks once she pays the bill.
“Actually, I’m not feeling all that well. Can I have a rain check?”
“Yeah, definitely. My hours are flexible so anytime you want to get together, just let me know. We’ll shop in New Hampshire, though, because it’s cheaper.”
I barely make it to her car before I start sweating. By the time I’m sitting down, I feel dizzy and nauseous.
“I don’t think today’s heat agrees with you,” Daisy says as she pulls out into traffic.
“I think you’re right.” I keep my eyes closed as she navigates through the streets. “You’d think I’d be accustomed since I live in Florida.”
“You’re pregnant, Ainsley. Anything you’re accustomed to is going to change because your body is changing daily. Foods you love may end up being foods you despise.”
She’s right, except I never plan to lose my love for cookies. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if that happens. Stella called me lucky, bypassing the morning sickness stage, but I’m not so sure she’s right. While my mom was in the hospital, I didn’t eat a lot and felt sick often. I figured it was because my mom was dying and emotionally I couldn’t cope with it.
Daisy parks along the street and walks me to Cooper’s apartment. I invite her in because it seems like the right thing to do, but she declines, telling me she’s going to head home and do some work, but if I need her to give her a call. I promise her that I will and thank her for a great morning as I close the door.
As soon as I crawl into bed, Cooper calls, just as he said he would.
“Are you having fun?”
“No,” I tell him as I moan. “I’m not feeling well. Daisy just dropped me off.”
“What’s wrong?” He sounds worried, and I want to believe it’s because of me, but I’m second-guessing myself on everything now.
“I don’t know. I feel funny. I’m dizzy, and my stomach is nauseous.”
“Is this morning sickness?”
“How do you even know what that is?” I ask.
“I’ve been doing some reading.”
“Oh.” My heart swells, and tears form in my eyes. I wish he were here right now.
“I miss you, Ainsley.”
“Please don’t say things like that if you don’t mean them, Cooper. I may take your words the wrong way.”
He sighs, and I can hear him adjusting the phone. “I’ve never said anything to you that I didn’t mean. I do miss you. I’ve missed you for months when I tried to trick myself into dating other people. I’ve lied for months, telling myself I was over you when I wasn’t. And even though you’re in my bed, it’s not the same and doesn’t feel real.”
I know what he means. Each night when I crawl into bed, I’m surrounded by everything that is Cooper, and I find that it’s not enough.