“Me, Coach,” Nolan hollers. My nephew gives me a fist bump as he heads to the plate and I take my spot on third. I give Nolan the sign to hit away. I want to see what he can do after spending more time at practice. He steps in, grinds his back foot into the dirt and waits for his pitch. It comes on pitch five and Nolan sends it deep into right field. By the time the right fielder has the ball, Nolan is rounding second. I wave my left arm in windmill fashion and send him home. It’s his teammates who tell him to slide.
“Safe!” the ump yells as he fans his arms out.
Nolan jumps up, claps his hands and heads to the dugout where his team is waiting for him. When he glances at me, I clap my hands, letting him know that I’m happy for him.
By
the middle of the sixth inning, we’re up by five runs and when the last out is called, the kids all run toward each other. Parents are cheering, my teammates are shouting their praise, but my attention is focused solely on Matty. Her head is spinning around, eyes are wild. She’s looking for someone and when she spots that someone . . . me . . . she grins from ear-to-ear. I don’t know if this is a daughter smiling at her father, a player smiling at her coach, or pitcher smiling at another pitcher. Either way, it feels damn good to be on the receiving end of that grin.
Thirty
Bellamy
We’re on a high from the win yesterday. It wasn’t our first win, but this one felt different. Maybe it’s because Hawk’s teammates were in the stands or maybe it’s because Hawk and I finally told each other how we feel. Those are my reasons. For Hawk, I think it’s something else, something deeper. His time is coming to an end with the mini team and he’s worried about Owen taking over. It’s not that Owen can’t do it, but Hawk’s afraid of how Brett is going to react or what he might do to the team. There’s still a divide . . . us versus them. Adults, who grew up together, and were friends through high school are no longer on speaking terms. Of course, it’s not uncommon for people to grow apart, but living in a small town with same aged children, you’d think we’d be close or at least friendly. I’m still the outcast, even more so because Chase is now playing. According to the rumors, and believe me there’s a string of them, the only reason Chase has a team is because I’m “banging” — their word, not mine — the coach or it’s because I went to David Farmer and complained. The only truth to any of this is the part where I went to Farmer, but I didn’t complain, I asked how to help my son. As I sit at the table and think about the catty women and their rumors, I wonder what they would think if they found out Hawk and I actually didn’t sleep together until after the Mini Renegades formed. The thought makes me laugh. It also makes me ache inside that people are like this.
One by one, children file into the kitchen. After the game and subsequent pizza party, where we all ended up back at the Depot after saying goodbye to Hawk’s teammates, Chase asked if he could have a sleepover. I thought he meant one or two of the boys and because he had never asked before, I told him he could. When the endless string of kids showed up, I stood there holding the door and assuring each parent that everything would be fine; I was able to care for twelve ten-year-olds. What a lie that was. Hawk ran out to the store to grab drinks, snacks and something to make for breakfast, while I wrangled the team into the living room for a movie. About half-way through the show, they were bored, and Hawk had the great idea for flashlight tag, except we only had two flashlights so back out he went. By the time he came back, the movie was over, the kids were anxious, and I was beginning to doubt my parenting abilities. Hawk saved the day. He wore his team out, and while they raided the snack cabinet, he and I set up the living room for the sleepover. By the time Hawk and I went to bed, I was exhausted.
“There’s pancakes, French toast, eggs and bacon on the counter for breakfast,” I tell them, which is set up like a buffet or assembly line. “Grab a plate, pick your food and juice — choice of apple or orange — don’t forget your silverware and napkin, and find a seat.” Normally, I don’t let anyone eat in the living room but this morning is an exception.
Hawk comes into the kitchen freshly showered and smelling like Old Spice, which is my new favorite. I can’t even tell you what Greg wore while we were married, but distinctly remember a change when he started cheating. It’s odd what your brain remembers, or your heart becomes fond of. He leans down and gives me a kiss before going into the kitchen. He’s talking to his players, but I’m focused on him and his demeanor. Yesterday was earth shattering for him. His suspicions have almost come to fruition when it comes to Matty. More troubling is the fact that she came to Hawk on her own with the feeling that he’s her father. It bothers me so much that her parents have been so flippant about hiding their feelings since Hawk’s return. Their petty behavior and childish antics have scarred this little girl.
Last night, she came to me while I was in the kitchen preparing snack bags and worked along the side of me. For the longest time she was quiet. I’d ask her questions about school, like what her favorite subject was and whether she liked her teacher. She gave me mostly one-word answers and the only question she asked was when Hawk would be back. Minutes before he returned, she told me Chase was lucky to have me as a mom. I smiled and bit my tongue from asking adult related questions about her parents. Hawk had already told me everything she said earlier about how her parents fight, the things Brett says, and the yelling. Even when Greg and I were at our worst, we never fought in front of Chase. I had the mindset that suffering in silence was best until Chase went to school. Once Hawk returned and the flashlight game concluded, I found the two of them on the patio talking. He later told me she asked him to stay.
When Annie comes to pick Matty up, Hawk is going to demand answers. He tried yesterday after the game but Annie left the park. Avoidance. It’s a clear sign that Hawk’s feelings are being validated. If he is Matty’s father, that would definitely explain Brett’s hatred of Hawk. From everything Hawk has said, they were close through high school, the best of friends. And while he admits to sleeping with Annie, he insists she was single, and they had been seeing each other all summer. Besides, according to Hawk, Brett had moved on. In his opinion, he didn’t violate a bro code or anything like that. As far as he knew, they were finished. It was only after Brett tried to punch him that he realized Annie spilled the beans.
Hawk stands in the kitchen and eats his breakfast. From where I sit, I can see his eyes are focusing on the floor. He’s thinking, he’s in his own head, likely playing out how the conversation is going to go. I startle when his phone rings, he answers and seems excited to speak to the other person. Still, I watch him closely, looking for any sign that may alert me to how he’s feeling. When he hangs up, he sighs.
“That was Wes.”
“Your coach, right?”
He nods. “I’m clear.”
A lump forms in my throat and I swallow it down. He’s leaving. I knew this day was coming but to hear him say he’s clear . . . I honestly never wanted it to happen. It’s selfish of me to think this way, I know. Still, I smile and try to convey how happy I am. He’s returning to work. His job just also happens to be his biggest passion and I would never begrudge him that.
He walks to the table and pulls the chair out next to me. He places one hand on my back and the other pulls my chin toward him. “I know I just asked you the other night about moving and figure you haven’t given it much thought,” he pauses and inhales.
I place my hand on his cheek. “I’ve thought about it. It’s all I’ve been doing. I haven’t made a decision yet, but I will. I promise.” If I only had myself to consider, I’d pack up and follow him, but there’s Chase to think about and his opinion is the only one that matters. I want to think he’ll be on board, but I don’t know.
Before we can dig deeper, the doorbell chimes. None of the kids yell that they’ll get it, but they all groan, thinking it’s their parents coming to get them. I stand and head toward the front room when I hear Matty’s voice ask, “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here to see Hawk.” Her mother’s response is stiff and cold.
My heart drops. There’s such a disconnect between Annie and Matty, my heart breaks for them. I don’t even want to imagine what’s going on in the Larsen house as of late, especially considering that on top of all of this, Brett’s having an affair. I take a deep breath and paste a smile on my face as I round the corner and come face-to-face with Annie.
“Annie, come in. Hawk’s in the kitchen.” As soon as she steps by me, I close the door and watch Matty retreat into the living room. She sits down next to Alexis and starts talking to her in hushed tones. Alexis puts her arm around her friend and holds her. Life at ten shouldn’t be this hard.
When I come back into the kitchen, Hawk is ushering Annie outside. He makes eye contact with me and beckons me forward. “Are you coming?” he asks.
“Shouldn’t this be a private conversation between you two?”
He shakes his head. “Not if you’re planning to be a part of my life.”
I take a small step back and let his words wash over me. Hawk could come away from today with a daughter, one that would become part of our lives if we stay together. I look over my shoulder at Matty, Chase, and the room full of kids and move forward. As soon as I step outside, Hawk slides the patio door closed.
“Mind if I smoke?” Annie asks, showing us a pack of cigarettes.
I shake my head slightly.