Finding My Forever (Beaumont 3)

I close my eyes. Those are the words I don’t want to hear. “Really? You can explain why I just walked into my house and found my fiancée being fucked by not one, but two men? What happened, Chelsea, did they just happen to fall into your mouth and cunt?”

“Jimmy,” she whines.

When I look at her again, she’s not Chelsea. Her blonde hair has been changed to red. Her brown eyes are now green. Blood drips down her face like tears. She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I look at this strange woman and my worst fears come to life.

I awake suddenly. My shirt is soaked with sweat. I look around, taking in my surroundings. The walls feel like they’re closing in. I reach for Jenna, feeling for her body so I can hold her and realise that I’m on the bus and I’m still on tour. I sit up and swing my legs over the side, hoping to regulate my breathing.

It was a nightmare. Why I was dreaming about Chelsea, I don’t know, but seeing Jenna at the end – that fucking scared the shit out of me. I know she’d never cheat on me, but this dream means something. I look at the clock and calculate the time difference. It’s three a.m. in Beaumont, but I don’t care. I need to hear her voice. I need to know that her and Little One are okay.

I dial her number and wait. It rings five, six and seven times before she finally picks up. “Hello,” she says, groggily. I know I’ve woken her, but I need this for my sanity.

“Hi, wifey.” I close my eyes and wait.

“What’s wrong, Jimmy?”

“Nothing, I had… had a dream and I needed to hear your voice and make sure that you and the bub are okay.”

“We’re fine, but now you have me worried. Are you okay?”

I lie back in bed and cover my eyes with my arm. “I am now that I’ve heard your voice. I miss you, Jenna. I didn’t think this tour would be so hard, but it is. I don’t know how Liam and Harrison are handling it, but I’m falling apart.”

“Do you want me to come see you?”

The thought of having Jenna here with me, even if it’s for a weekend, is enticing. She didn’t come on tour with us last summer and part of me is grateful about that. I wouldn’t have been able to control myself around her, but I also wouldn’t want to embarrass her in front of Josie.

“I’d love that. I want you here, even if it’s for a few days.”

“Okay, Jimmy.”

I tell her where we are going to be and help her book her ticket online. This time tomorrow she’ll be in my arms and won’t have to leave unless I’m on stage. When we hang up, I dial the number of the other woman who has been on my mind.

“Morning, Mum.”

“Jimmy? How lovely to hear your voice. How are you?”

Hearing the excitement in my mum’s voice makes me happy. Since I was eight and realised how poorly my dad treated her, how uninterested he was in having a family, she’s not only been my mum, but my best friend.

“I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? You don’t sound okay, what’s wrong?” This is exactly why I called her. She knows when something is bothering me. Blame it on motherly instinct or just being an amazing person. Either way, my mum can fix anything.

“I miss Jenna and I miss touching her belly every day.”

“It’s amazing, isn’t?”

“What is?”

“Watching your wife grow and look after your child inside of her.”

I look at the photo of Jenna that I have stuck to the wall. This room is so small and I’ve had to forfeit the bedside table to display photos on. This picture was taken of us on the beach in Bora Bora. My hand rests on her belly. Her hand is cupping my cheek. We didn’t pose for this. A passerby caught us in a moment with their camera and asked if they could send us the image. I’m grateful that they did because it’s a reminder of why I’m turning my life around.

“It’s not just that, mum. I sing to Little One and she calms down. She kicks Jenna terribly in the morning and my singing was helping that. I feel like I’m failing them both by not being there.”

“Little One?”

I can’t help but smile. I’ve always used nicknames, but they’re never normally special or meaningful. Not until I met Jenna, that is. She brings out the best in me.

“That’s what I call her… the baby. I think she likes it.”