Finding My Way (Beaumont 4)

“I’m so glad you’re here, Liam, but you look so lost.”

I bite my lip and tell myself I’m not going to shed another tear. For the past 48 hours I’ve thought about stopping and turning around, but couldn’t do it. I did nothing but picture Josie curled up next to me, sharing Doritos and Coke for breakfast, while we navigated our way to California. I could see her, sitting by the passenger side with her hair blowing in the wind, looking at the map to keep me on the right path. Each vision would reduce me to a blubbering mess. It’s not only women who end up with broken hearts. Mine is split with half of it dead and it’s all my doing.

“I’m trying not to be lost, but …”

Betty reaches across the table and takes my hands in hers. “I can listen.”

I shake my head and take a deep breath. “I left my girl. I wanted to bring her with me, but I don’t think she’ll understand why I need to be here.”

“And why do you need to be here?”

I sit up straighter and reach for my glass of water. I take some ice in my mouth and chew before looking at my grandma. “Being on that stage at school gave me a purpose. People were there to listen to me because they wanted to be. They weren’t there to watch me throw a touchdown so the team had a victory. They were there for me. I can’t help but think I’m meant to do something else in life.”

“And you want to try the music scene?”

I nod even though I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. I have a guitar and two maybe three songs, which I’ve written, that probably make no sense to anyone but myself.

“I know it’s going to be hard. I thought I could find a job during the day and play at some open mic nights. I don’t think I’m anything special, but I want to play music. I don’t have any expectations.”

“That’s good because the industry is cut-throat, Liam. They’re vultures here looking for their next prey and I’d hate to see that be you. The first thing I’m going to tell you is trust no one who says they can help because they want something in return.”

“Okay,” I say.

“The next piece of advice is never change who you are on the inside. Be true to your craft. I’ve heard you play and can say your grandfather would be so proud of you. You’re a natural. It won’t take long for you to start turning heads and for people to start offering you the moon, but be smart about it. Don’t sell yourself short. And finally, I have faith in you. You don’t need a job. I’ll take care of you.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I have eighteen years of making up to do, of course I do. Now come on, let’s go home. I’ll let you go through your grandfather’s stuff and see if there’s anything in there that might help you. He started at an open mic night too.”

That thought makes me smile.

I stand at the edge of my grandma’s property and take in the view. She wasn’t lying when she said her house overlooks Hollywood. The scenery is breathtaking and so lively. The lights alone make this place inviting. Her yard is manicured with lush green grass and flowers lining her brick walkway. Her house is white, with floor to ceiling windows looking out to Hollywood and nothing like the houses in Beaumont. Betty calls the style vintage Hollywood and laughed at me when I said everything looked so different here. The lights in her house cast a soft glow over me as I stand on the edge of her cliff. I’m trying not to think about the destruction I’ve caused, but it’s heavy on my mind.

What’s Josie doing now? Is she over me? How long until she’ll move on? I can’t help but think that Mason will have someone for her, seeing as she didn’t hesitate to call him to comfort her after I broke her heart. Maybe he’ll fix her up with someone who will help her live her all-American dream. As much as I want that person to be me, it can’t be. Not right now.

I’ve been here for two hours and haven’t moved. If I focus I can hear life moving around below me. It makes me wonder if other people are making life changing decisions and breaking hearts?

Every so often, a car’s headlights shine off the cliff that my grandma’s house is on. She says there are actors, actresses, musicians and every other Hollywood type in her neighborhood. She offered to introduce me, but I declined. I want to pave my own way and try to make a name for myself. After everything I’ve done, I need to earn my keep and deal with whatever comes next.

I don’t even know what that is though. I can’t imagine myself walking into a record company and saying, “hey I want to be a musician”. I know it doesn’t work like that. I wish it would. For the first time in years I don’t have a plan. I’m still lost and confused. My emotions have gotten the best of me and I’m still not certain I’ve made the right decision.

I feel for the cell phone in my pocket. The display lights up with missed calls from Mason, and voicemails. I press the button and type in my code to hear my messages, except I don’t want to hear what Mason has to say. I press the corresponding number to delete each message the moment his voice comes on. I know he wants answers, but I don’t have any right now. I need to make a clean transition and talking to him and Josie will not help me do that. I look down at my phone and wonder how long it will be until this is turned off or he reports my truck as stolen. Those actions would be typical Sterling so I know it’s just a matter of time. I pull out my phone and see no missed calls. I’m not gonna lie, it hurts to know she hasn’t tried to call me. Maybe she needs time or is waiting for me to call. I want to. I want to hear her voice and tell her how sorry I am for leaving her and ask her to come here with me while I pass through this adventure, but I can’t. I can’t offer her the life that she wants or needs. Someone will be able to one day and when that day comes, it will kill me, destroy me.

“You look deep in thought.” My grandmother’s voice breaks my reverie. I wipe at my eyes, hoping that she doesn’t see them longing for my girl.

“Just watching,” I say without turning to face her. She steps next to me and sighs.

“Your mom was born here in this house. She grew up playing in this yard and swimming in the pool out back. I thought she wanted this life, but she surprised me when she just upped and left without any word. I tried to get her back but Sterling had given her other ideas. It broke my heart.”

“That’s what I did.”

“What’s that, Liam?”

I shake my head, pulling my lower lip into my mouth and biting. Right now thinking about Josie hurts too much. “I upped and left because I’m a coward.”

Her hand touches my arm in a soothing, motherly way. It’s something I’ve craved for so long.

“What’s her name?”